Dr. Phil LIVE! with Steve-O, Nick Swardson, Kumail Nanjiani

Ray is my last name so first of all Rachel is what they were thinking because Rachel Ray yeah and I'll take it from here but I think that there's something about my special uh you grab it you twist it you bop it you seen the commercials dog you want to tone it down or [Music] not girls love to know just I wonder how many different ways I could be stabbed right now my bad he said my bad after he threw up into his mouth she's like why is your nose bleeding I was like during a visit to a strip club in Amsterdam yeah I don't know if I should keep reading [Music] well the time has come players and haters and lovers and [ __ ] it's going to be a swell time on the road Dr Phil here we're taking our show out of LA and onto the road come out and see us our first big ass theater shows in the United States happening this fall and here's where we're starting October 25th in Philadelphia Pennsylvania just east of the Philadelphia River and we're going to do a big show October 25th at the Miller Theater in Philadelphia Pennsylvania called Bryce Harper call Jason Kelce call Rocky he I'm right here and come on down and live it up and laugh it up and and [ __ ] it up and suck it up going to be a great time tickets at Adam raycom.com for the 25th at Miller Theater in Philly Pennsylvania October 26th the next night we're going to the Capital One Hall in Washington DC holy goodness gracious I think it's actually in Virginia Tyson's Virginia maybe I don't [ __ ] know we're going there though and it's near DC or around DC DC and Virginia pretty much the same they're the same guy with different body parts we'll be right back we'll keep it right here October 26th at the Capital One Hall I can't wait but the big one is coming right after that November 15th Beacon Theater holy [ __ ] New York City New York Comedy Fest has asked us to do a Big Show at a 2500 C theater The Beacon Theater to be exact in New York City come on out going to be a blast tickets of her all these shows are available right now at Adam rayc comedy.com Philly DC New York we'll see you this fall baby we'll be right back hey how many fingers am I holding up one congrats won yourself a chewy bar you know what position your parents made you in have not thought about that don't know you probably anal uh I mean I was I was fat I was I think one of 180 to 190 in the fourth grade you must have loved uh chips and pretzels and soda pop right maybe a little uh chocolate milk on top of your uh tuna casserole maybe a chicken pop pie maybe a turkey pow pie maybe just a pie with turkey on the side you fat [ __ ] what's your favorite color uh hold that thought we'll be right back all the Dr Phil and Adam Ray merch is live right now for you to order at Adam Ray shop.com enjoy the show Dr Phil [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] oh all right you sons of [ __ ] get off your ass and get ready are you ready for the doctor come on V here and here he comes it's [Music] [Applause] The Comedy Store makes some [ __ ] noise you guys are excited to be here tonight we got a good one I appreciate the energy look at you guys every size and shape in here tonight guys feeling good how we doing we got a Tuesday night in Los Angeles you guys are a great crowd one more time for Gary Cannon huh for warming this bad boy up it's a real guy back there with real problems tonight's show was all about ego okay Webster's Dictionary defines that as uh as a reasonable or justifiable sense of Worth or importance okay maybe your wife Robin uh my wife has an ego about when I get a new haircut she goes you don't look that good I'm like all right well this sexy lesbian couple that just walked out of Panera begs to differ you ever had a a lesbian couple lick their lips uh while looking at the top of your head okay I'll take that as a maybe you don't have to answer at once my wife Robin is constantly telling me how she has an ego about uh people who think they look good in overalls okay larger people to be more specific fatties I guess is the common term my wife Robin hates when people put on clothes that that don't fit and I said we got to check yourself check your ego okay she cares about it a little bit too much not as much as our friend Tanisha my friend Tanisha uh always she's a a white girl she uh she's always up in arms about people putting on the wrong uh set of clothes okay that don't match she's always saying if you think you can wear that okay if you if you if you sweat while you sleep and you and you sleep while you eat and you breathe too hard walking up them stairs and you still think you look good in that I guess I should even see it with my toothbrush cuzz I don't know what the [ __ ] going on I never can understand what Tanisha is talking about but she's got a point she's fired up about life and the problems that surround us I think a lot of people are probably struggling with their own egos here tonight I see a lot of people think they're too cool for school sir sir you look like you're uh ready for picture day in the fifth grade I love the the perfect Mr Rogers baby blue polo did you pick that yourself or did your did your uh wife is this your wife sir say it again not my wife okay hey hold that thought Jared from Subway's brother stand up stand up real quick stand up Sir is this not Jared from Subway's brother no thanks for coming out happy birthday sir what's your first name Mike Mike uh what do you do here in Los Angeles I'm from Houston I don't think I like your [ __ ] attitude right now Mike if I'm being perfectly honest I asked this simple question about your location of residence Mike who's this to your left is this not your wife it's uh somebody else did you meet her here tonight or did you know her from Houston you traveled together that's right from Houston traveled together and what is your name sweetheart Lynn Lynn and how do you know Mike we're dating those are real [ __ ] Saucy aren't you hope you're bring that sort of spiciness to the bedroom how long you been dating Mike uh nine months let's go yeah that's new and exciting that's some loveboat [ __ ] exciting and new right Mike do you remember the first thing where where did you Lynn what did you say to her that really piqu her interest did you have an ego about it were you confident yeah I was was confident but you know funny and uh you know we'll be the judge of that what' you say to her Mike people who say they're funny usually have some work to do in that department but maybe you're a quick are you a pun guy sorry just spit on your dick did you uh hak right on that [ __ ] I had to I had to you knew it was coming that's what she said all right what W it's still there all right Mike what uh what did you say to Lynn that really made her go okay this guy means business I told her she had beautiful eyes that's really what did you really say to her Mike I don't remember remember Lyn do you remember what Mike said beautiful eyes is a good start okay but was there something that he said that made you go this guy's maybe a little feeling himself too much he's wearing this sweet blue polo right he's got a lot of confidence do you like the amount of confidence Mike has Lynn yes I do okay nobody believ that Lynn what um yeah she sounds like she's being held hostage right now did you hear the way she said that yeah I do I definitely don't need help right now call The Uber call The Uber I love your uh I love your approach to life L I wish you guys all the best name your kid Phil for me if you don't mind you guys thinking about having kids it's too early right yeah it's yeah now why no Lynn we're too old my kids are almost raised where okay well you're never too old to have kids you know right so uh no you are too old to have kids now if you're here who's teaching kids how a skateboard behind the Arby's stand up real quick sir show everyone what you're working with look at this piece of [ __ ] look at this guy turn around oh my God you look like you look like the drummer in Sugar Ray let's go player what's your first name dog uh Dave Dave you can sit down Dave Dave what do you do here in Los Angeles you got an ego about your day to-day Dave your day today that's a tough thing to say I just did it day-to-day Dave uh ego no not about that no do you have an ego in your life at all Dave cuz you need a little bit of an ego right yeah a little bit where where does egoo come into play has it ever hurt you Dave does it what let's move on I feel like Dave Dave the ego does it hurt you you know what I'm saying does it ever get you into trouble where you get a little too full of yourself yeah yeah of course yeah and what do you do for work Dave um games Entertainment Games entertainment like you like you build the ski ball at Dave and Busters or what do you or like football like you you build the referee uh shirts or what what the [ __ ] are you talking about Dave get specific while I stare into your [ __ ] Fu Man chew strip of Bubble Yum that's just dripping down your chin right now how now what came first the goatee or the Willy Wonka haircut actually the goatee the goatee I love the goatee I'm deflecting I got the mustache which is you know creepy but also an aesc sir what's your first name Jory who Jory J Cory but with the J it sound like you said jewy for a second anybody else hear that all right wow just me okay and one Nazi all right so what uh Cory what do you do here in La uh Motion Graphics let's go now uh have you always looked like uh Andy from Toy Story stand up real quick Cory and show everyone yeah look at this guy he even waved like a [ __ ] Pixar character did you see that no you can nobody ask you to do that Andy sit the [ __ ] down say one thing for me say Mom where's Woody Mom where's Woody perfect you got the part give it up for Andy everybody he's here trying his best sir uh you got a little bit of an ego to you yeah you got a gold chain you got some tattoos who is that tattooed on your right thigh Jim Morrison let's go and who's that on your left foot it's a random lady you don't know who that is just a random lady why'd you get a random what's your name Daman Daman and why'd you get a random lady Daman we got issues what yeah I'll take it from here sweetheart but you're bringing up a good point we all do have issues well that thought Damian what's your name sweetheart lla who lla shut up I heard you the first time I appreciate your enthusiasm lla what's got you so fired up you said we've got issues to Damian but I think you were talking to the group through Damian yeah now L people that usually bring up their own problems or deflect them onto a group of people they've never met unbeknownst to the group usually are struggling with their own set of problems yla you got an ego in your life Lyla that you're dealing with on a day-to-day yeah who is that Lyla I guess you guess you yeah if you all quiet and sad it got when you said that you did that thanks for coming out L my man I'm sorry for the false accusation at the start of the show you don't look like Jared's brother okay you look like the guy who uh who went in to get a sandwich right after Jared got through with the kids what's your first name sir Steve Steve where you from Steve originally South Carolina originally South Carolina you're throwing back some beers tonight Steve oh yeah I love that what's your favorite type of beer Steve IPA IPA let's go what do you do for work in uh in South Carolina Steve what's what's keeping you busy 247 I I live here I've lived here for 15 years okay and what do you do here Steve I grow weed you grow weed let's go got some fans in the house Lyla do you smoke weed absolutely absolutely all right that's enough out of you Steve lla what's your favorite type of weed what do you like to do when you get High um come to comedy shows come to comedy shows and space out when people ask you questions yeah pretty popular answer yeah Steve who do you sell to mostly kids mils who do you sell to mostly yeah you're heading outd into all these uh [ __ ] midgets oh God that's we'll be right back uh nobody thought you were going to say that but I'm glad you did midgets are people too right Steve I talk about that in my book we've got issues chapter 19 just because they can't reach the top shelf doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to drive now tonight's show is all about checking your [ __ ] okay we've all got egos we've all got an over exuberant amount of confidence sometimes it gets us into trouble uh somebody recently uh in the news developed quite an ego uh from a little performance she made on the internet okay uh she uh got real popular all around the world uh because she uh she did a little something uh in the middle of a street uh when asked a simple question okay somebody asked her uh hey uh what do you uh like to do to get men excited and uh and she she went she said well I Spit on their [ __ ] penis uh right show her up on the screen there Stephen this is the gal that uh that got a lot of eyeballs on her everyone's watching her she's trying to figure out the next move so we thought we'd bring her uh here to the Dr Phil live show here at The Comedy Store you guys ready to meet the Haw Tua girl live in the flesh make it Loud Comedy Store for Miss Haley Welsh here she comes every Haley Welch Haley Welch everybody okay [ __ ] she spit on my [ __ ] fingers all right take a seat let me you take that paper from you there we go y okay Haley Welch everybody make some noise for [Applause] her I got to be honest I didn't know you had a [ __ ] name that's been that's been the feedback I've again yeah yeah and so do you ever see a guy in the street and you go all right this guy's got he needs some help right I need to he needs like in the bedroom I think that's where that whenever guy saw you do that they were like all right well she's got a game plan right that's respectable you wouldn't believe what's been coming into my DMs lately yeah yeah lot of requests a lot of requests a lot of celebrities a lot of dads absolutely celebrities oh can you name some of the celebrities I mean I shouldn't but like Jay-Z oh [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah to name few yeah well [ __ ] we got time who else all right um Maguire Toby McGuire that one was obvious that's saw that coming why was that who no I don't think anyone saw Spider-Man hit you up Toby I don't think I've thought about Toby Maguire in probably 25 years I wish I could say the same now there's there's got to be a time when you're outside and you're drinking and people come up to you with a microphone they and you the pressure's on right you go I don't want to say the wrong thing but I don't want to say too much of the right thing cuz in America is going to blow it up and give me my 15 minutes of Fame right right that I don't mind we [ __ ] know that yeah we've seen you all over the place you're on podcast and [ __ ] do what do you want to do are you trying to do something with your life or you just going to kind of be the [ __ ] spit penis girl no yeah I want to do it all I want to do it all yeah we I got a big team behind me now you got a big team behind you what do you mean like an agency yeah agency manager public [ __ ] Crush are you serious yeah we're going to do movie Aon sorin's right in my biopic right now oh my God stop talking all right uh Aaron Oran he wrote the Facebook movie are you on Facebook no yeah okay we're yeah now do you mind if I ask how old you are I'm 21 oh God okay so it's tough to relate to people your age in 2024 you know you guys just have a different set of of guidelines and rules you know do you go to did you go to school I dropped out yeah I went to college for a second drop out in the back there yeah sir what is that a guy or a girl girl girl and what did you drop out from Sam college yeah sounds sound like the right move yeah don't know why you were attending that place to begin it's not a real school is it what were you studying sweetheart it's the number one in transfers to the UC system oh you listen to yourself you're making [ __ ] Lila look like Bob Ross right now thanks for coming out Lyla all right so what happened you dropped out did you get an ego about yourself you thought you were too cool literally for school yeah yeah and I got a job so so suck on that and where where do you work uh I guess what's the website that people uh pay to see you uh all right all right take it easy it was a joke what do you do for uh work for real I want to know where you got a job at I work in tech tech where yeah yeah well wear it I we a company called milk money for the who it's called milk money milk so maybe you do do porn Okay that's I mean you couldn't scrip that moment any better she [ __ ] hawed to it all over herself did you hear that yeah uh well uh Haley I'm impressed by your uh the way you handle yourself you've been getting a lot of uh negative uh heat but you're Rising above it and I know that somebody told me you wanted to try standup comedy is that true yeah I want to do all sorts of things right but for sure but stand up comedy for sure stand up comedy have you done it before nope never done it would you like to d uh try it here for the first time on the Dr Phil live show yeah you guys want to see Haley Welch Haw to into the microphone I'm going to need to hear a little bit more support if this is going to actually happen come on Mike hit me once let's go let's [ __ ] go that's what I'm talking about all right uh so I'm going to introduce you and then you just walk to the center of the stage like you're uh like you're a comedian and then just [ __ ] you know do your [ __ ] okay yeah looks easy so I'm going to introduce you right where you from again I'm from Belfast Tennessee Belfast okay here we go so uh all right you guys all right so I'll I'll be the comedian that was right before you and I'll see the Le last part of my joke perfect and then I'll bring you up cool great so I should disappear a little bit say it again I should disappear a little bit no just okay just [ __ ] just stand right where you are okay perfect okay so hey that's why I told that's why I told him I said hey if that if if that's not your son then why does he have why does he have that [ __ ] haircut you know what I'm saying that's been my time my name's David Sullivan you guys are ready for your next comedian your next comedian comes all the way from Belfast marma and she is a trump supporter and a [ __ ] give it up for Haley Welch keep it up for Haley Welch here we go hi everyone go ahead stand the the thank you thank you do you have that little paper huh oh yeah the little oh yeah I wrote a couple things down here go here we go is that it that's it thank you okay great all right we'll try a couple things out they're real short they're sweet they're simple all right the first one what did the toaster say to the slice of bread I want you inside me all right we're workshopping that one we're workshopping that one Steve liked it so much he opened his legs up I wrote a couple more down yeah you did Steve shut the [ __ ] up I saw you they were like this and they went like that all right go ahead all right this one's for the ladies what do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick the [Applause] man not bad all right all right next one we got what's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball what a man will actually go searching for a golf ball she's right about that it it once took me three hours to find Robin's [ __ ] like I knew you'd like that one it wasn't even the [ __ ] it was a little part inside the book go ahead what's the next show you got you look like a golfing man all right what does one saggy boob say to the other if we don't get some Sor people are going to think we're nuts that's funny that's that's for the fellas and the ladies that's for the fellas and the ladies that's a boob and ball joke I'm a fan of that is that it that's all I have guys keep it going for haly Welch I appreciate your time can you give the fans what they want real quick ah you got to give them that hot two one spit on that thing oh just as gross as it was on the internet keep it going for haly Welch everybody appreciate you very much thanks for coming out one more time for Haley Welch she's got big aspirations and who the [ __ ] knows what's going to happen you guys uh you guys having a good time it's a pretty a pretty weird show so far it's just about to get weirder speaking of checking your ego I recently had to check my ego when I stopped responding to a friend of mine's text messages I said you know I got to pick it up it's his 50th birthday I got to make sure that he's alive and well and so I thought I'd bring him out here on stage to to not only wish him happy birthday but also he told me that he's uh venturing Down A New Path of life and I want to help celebrate both his existence of 50 years on this planet and his new career path you guys okay if I bring him out here right now on the Dr Phil live show you might know this guy uh from a hit show called jackass or maybe steo Wild Ride the podcast ladies and gentlemen the one and only [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] steo oh [ __ ] thank you thank you steo the fans love you the people love you good to see you thank you um what did you did you come from something else or what what's going on how you been I've been I've been training I've been training in uh the art of magic I did hear this uh from a mutual friend of ours that you're d into magic now yeah yeah yeah and if you don't mind I think I'll perform a trick all right well I'll stand here and assist you now would we call this a scarf maybe a handkerchief can we still say that in 2024 yeah okay here we go oh you're not going to believe it but this has disappeared holy [ __ ] [ __ ] but the question is where did it go oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] should we pull should we what' you say of course this guy's like it's in his [ __ ] ass man I mean it couldn't be oh [ __ ] [Applause] oh my God oh my God this is maybe the greatest oh my God oh my [Applause] God you can't see his face but he looks concerned okay this is too much I feel like did you put that much in oh my God he got it all baby you want me to [Applause] oh Lyla you want this all right guys give it up for steo holy [ __ ] that was [ __ ] my man hey I'm going to level with you guys take a seat I was feeling a lot of pressure for that one I I I was back in the Green Room rehearsing my ass off and it wasn't working every time that one perfect I mean come on you guys got to see the real one in real time now I've never uh you know I've had a couple fingers uh up there but not a whole uh not a whole [ __ ] you know tag team of the rainbow Spectrum yeah how long does it take to get all that up there well doesn't take that long it's just all about the placement sure yeah and what the [ __ ] do you mean by that I mean that you got to get it in the pooper sure and it's got to be perfectly straight right and you don't want to over Lube okay but you don't want to under Lube yeah I actually talk about that in chapter 52 if we've got issues you want to make sure you use the right amount of lube otherwise someone's going to call the authorities steo you've put a lot of over the years you put stuff in your butt with with h with no issues right correct but I've never put anything truly substantial up my butt I mean there's been beer bongs they were barely in there right there's been fireworks I've tucked some fish in there to feed various animals I fed alligators with some chicken one time but nothing ever really so I've been training yeah you you've been training I've been doing a little bit of anal training yes anal training I think they're playing Coachella next year steo the butt's a muscle right it is so I guess you can teach it stuff too right now you mentioned that I'm 50 years old now which means you look good well than happy birthday you look good thank you you're taking care of yourself yeah you got to take care of yourself and at this age you got to go get a colonoscopy so I went to the colonoscopy doctor and I asked how many balloons can I fit in my [ __ ] that's exactly right I said how big can I go down there you did yeah and he strenuously urged me not to put large objects at my butt so I went for a second opinion yeah yeah yeah I found a Gabe porn star are you serious yeah the who's also a doctor no no no no he's just a legend the guy a guy just a legendary guy the guy's name is Pierce Paris some of you may have heard of him because he is known for shoving his own balls all the way up his butt and then he just appears out of nowhere and poops him out for you it's one of the most incredible things I've ever seen that's incredible how do and and and I enlisted his help to train me and he told me it's all about training the inner butthole did you know that we have two butth holes but [ __ ] why the [ __ ] would I know yeah you got a little chamber in between what's the second but I can't believe I'm even asking you this right now what's the second butthole called I don't know I have no idea can someone Google it Daman the G-Spot that's not right uh yeah well I feel like that the body is constantly surprising us right and over the years in jackass You' done a lot of crazy wild [ __ ] did they ever pitch you something where you go I don't think I can do that you pretty much did everything though right uh I had a pretty strong finish rate speaking of finishing you masturbate while falling out of a plane for your special I did I did and I'm never going to stop being proud of that you shouldn't if you guys haven't seen steo special where can they find it it's right at sto.com and it just plays right there is it's a it's a great special you jumped into standup after a lifelong life of uh of making people happy by putting your life on the line and uh then you jumped into comedy and figured it out pretty quick became a good Storyteller got the joke per ratio uh moment to moment down and then you decided Well I still got to push the envelope so for one of your stunts uh you jumped out of a plane you skydived yeah but you wanted to you wanted to come at the same time as you as you fell correct yeah what's that where's the link where's the link where the link it's ato.com because yeah sir maybe take it easy on the fent and old brownies and [ __ ] pay attention and shut the [ __ ] up for a minute okay go ahead steo I was just going to say it's at sto.com because it's not allowed anywhere else yeah YouTube oh you know PornHub for real I mean it it would be allowed it would be allowed so you fell out had you Sky died before were you afraid no that was my first time were you scared ah I guess jerking off is kind of and that's not how I do it by the way but it's it's uh yeah godamn were you like was that distracting you like when you fell were you're like I'm too focused I brought a a portable DVD player with me wait so you were wa wait a second so you were watching a video while falling no no no I was in the airplane uh cranking it to the point of that's how I should have done it look at that that's I was like yeah I was fing Dr yeah you're doing it like a man that's top to bottom I was cranking away in an airplane full of dudes butt naked with another man strapped to my back and I was just focused man I was focused and then at the point of no return I gave the sign and I got the [ __ ] out of that plane you're a living legend you're a living legend steo but thank you man thank you and I appreciate uh that at 50 you're still out there doing it you know uh making people uh Happy is there something you want uh for the next 50 years I think you're going to be around to at least 100 I'm going to do you want to be that's the question well yeah I'm going to be like the George Burns of nut [Music] kcks any questions for sio Lyla any questions it's my friend Lyla lla you good any questions for steo how's it feel to be 50 ah man wow great [ __ ] question L I think I already asked that how's the feel to be 50 lla wants to know I I I'll tell you I'll tell I'll tell you I celebrated my 50th birthday y by getting a penis tattooed on my forehead okay and then and then like no time after that the the negativity it it lurks online okay I saw a comment steo the guy's 50 years old now with the penis tattooed on his face at this point it's just kind of sad you know what I said to that I say yeah I'm 50 I'm [ __ ] sad yeah that's how I feel I'm [ __ ] sad yeah that's how it feels feels [ __ ] sad all right well thanks for that [ __ ] inspiring question L that really sparked a lot of energy hoping to go out on a high note steo but all right so you got a [ __ ] on your face cuz you're depressed n no I'm actually not I'm noted you're happy goluck you guy yeah I'm not depressed at all man now if you get to 100 will you put something else on the other side yeah way too much excitement for that yeah you know everybody's calling for a vagina but they're very difficult to draw yep of yeah well cuz where do you even I don't even know where you what do you do what do you how do you Andy you're a graphic designer right if you're going to draw uh how old would you want that's a weird question how uh if you're going to draw a vagina Andy uh what would you where would you start uh well keep it simple shape I'd say Circle let's start with the circle at the top right I want to punch you in the face right now but I love your honesty start with a circle at the top you're being [ __ ] serious right now okay and what does the circle uh signify Andy oh that' probably be yeah like that's let's go with like uh they have the clitoris at the top there I like her you're like oh you can put one in or not it's your choice yeah you can have it be another yeah not a full one so okay so a circle and that resembles the clitoris yeah keep it simp simple shapes and then there you draw like some lines like yeah just lines that kind of go you know no I don't know what you're talking about what do you mean lines that just go where do they go no let's curve out the lens from there curve out the lens have you seen a [ __ ] [ __ ] what are you talking about right right now all right keep it going for Andy he's taking us to infinity and beyond and I don't know what he's talking about well steo thanks for coming out Andy Ste steo I love you to death I wish you the happiest of birthdays here's to another 50 years guys keep it going for my man steo a living legend keep it going for steo there he goes check out a state up special on sto.com oh my God great ass you guys having a good time you guys can do a little bit better than that we got more show you guys ready to keep the show moving along we're going to take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back we'll be right back don't go [Music] anywhere well how about Justin Timberlake I I think he had like nine mimosas and a pack of gushers I like that the cop who pulled him over didn't know who he was that was hilarious [ __ ] up he was like Joey faton Yeah Tim Lake was like this is not going to be good for the tour and the cop goes what tour Timberlake's here tomorrow night is he really yeah it's does it can anyone call them and see if he'll come over right now what would you say actually if by the way two guys in the corner were like please call them right now these are these guys [ __ ] I wasn't sure if that accident was going to match and then I saw you guys and I was like Bingo definitely that matches that matches that's what Jack in the Box calls their Target demographic [Applause] [Applause] Make Some Noise comedy sure you guys feel good let's [ __ ] go let's keep this energy moving lyla's here we're going to take a shot later uh one more time from my man steo huh for coming out showing us all what's possible your next guest uh on the drfi live show is one of my favorite people of all time you might know him from all of his appearances on the Conan O'Brien Show The Tonight Show David Letterman or maybe movies like Benchwarmers Grandma's Boy Just Go With It uh Benchwarmers the Bucky Larson uh story uh Nick schwartzon pretend time his special seriously whoar he's got a new special dropping on YouTube in a couple weeks and he's here right now to rip it up you guys ready for your next guest on the Dr field live show comedy store I need you to make some [ __ ] noise right now for your next guest here he comes right now the one and only Nick schwartzon here he comes right now Nick schwartzon everybody look at this [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [ __ ] there he is Nick schwartzon guys keep it going for him Comedy Store what's up Dr Phil thank you for having me so many blessings all the blessings things praise you eay love it's a book and a movie have you seenay love I wrote it and directed it started it yeah it's a book and a movie so why don't you catch what is it about I haven't seen it it's Julie Roberts gets divorced and then and then she's like I want some pasta it's me and Julia Roberts and we go are you really [ __ ] in I haven't seen it are you the star e did you just come here to plug a movie that was 15 years ago we we went on a Journey that you and Julia that was spiritual yeah you and Ral Julia and Julia rob it was a it was a sequel to Pretty Woman I'm very goal so I can't tell if you're joking right now I haven't seen Pretty Woman either okay I have seen Shanghai Knights twice in the theaters it's the prequel to that so it's Shanghai Knights Pretty Woman and then eat pray all based on a true story so stop being a [ __ ] weirdo you [ __ ] bald [ __ ] I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm just trying to get to know you Julia Roberts I love you you're from Minnesota Nick that's a true story yeah it's cold up there huh yes how much snow you guys get I mean in what month um I don't know in June yep 69 in oh [ __ ] yeah yeah you know what I'm talking about 69 in yeah and your [ __ ] dick dick mayonnaise dick mayonnaise dick mayonnaise I think they they're opening they're opening for uh the other band I said earlier uh yep nick nick uh 69 will never not be funny 69 my dad died at the age of 69 swear that's a true story don't [ __ ] cheer that you [ __ ] psychopath you kill his dad yeah you die no 69 he died and I couldn't tell people that that's the AG he died that cuz I kept laughing like this [ __ ] clown he lives in a haunted house I don't even know what the [ __ ] he's doing yeah but I was like yeah my dad died at 69 oh well was he a good guy did you like him I mean he's 69 yeah do you think that's how I'm kidding do you think your mom and dad made you doing that I always wonder what position did my parents make me in you know that's a valid question yeah cuz most people you're a doctor so what would be the thank you what would be the the medical position what are you trying to ask yes I can't it's hard for me to look at you without laughing well I need you to F Medical position that that made that made a kid yeah that makes a child yeah well so I think most people when I have delivered babies it was uh what is the answer it was reverse HW [Laughter] Tua but nowadays people are getting experimental so it's on top you know down low bunk bed you know right so what I can't even do this take your time sound it out okay so um just pray pray for it pray for it what how many babies were conceived in the year 1969 how many just give me over under doctor 22,000 okay I mean I what do you know the most about if you were on my trivia team you know what would you what would you go oh I got this this subject is all Nick schwarzen okay valid question I would say 80s music right yeah look at that response tepid but okay favorite 80 song let's say it on the count of three or what about this wait who was that wait who was that [ __ ] star child oh there that's the guy who killed your dad he's now he's singing in your face to rub 69 my dad9 dad 69 my dad oh this guy or this guy who you looking at oh you're looking at this guy his [ __ ] Rob Deer deck yeah what the [ __ ] man got him what' you do okay here's my other karaoke song 80s music all right are you ready everybody are you ready are you ready I want to [ __ ] know I'm with Dr Phil my [Music] sponsor Take On Me Take on Me Take me Take On Me I'll [Applause] be in the ja wow my coming through High m coming through high you guys nailed it that was amazing so many blessings eay love it's a book in a movie We Praise Him you like to have fun Nick I love that about you I love fun how great is fun 169 I heard a guy once at a p sorry that was a laugh I haven't seen a real spit uh that was a legit spit yeah those are those are still funny you know what I loved was was and you know this guy well Adam Sandler I think he invented the uh I don't know him Adam Sandler oh [Music] now if nobody knew who Sandler was they would have thought you just had a stroke that's a bad point they thought I had a stage four down yeah are there stage all right let's move on I feel like that [Music] there's is it a requirement to have a Sandler impression when you become friends with them yeah 100% does you have you have no choice yeah he just are you a [ __ ] stage four aids what the [ __ ] is going on here I'm getting cancelled sorry I'm getting can we'll keep it in that was funny now Nick yeah Praise Him you've done you told me I think this once that you met Adam Sandler when you were in high school no College when didd you meet him neither okay the [ __ ] [ __ ] doctor you're you're what is going on here I'm going to fire my assistant Norm he wrote down you met Sandler in high school I didn't no I didn't when did you meet him you were a fan of him growing up though I was a fan okay great that's what I then I did um movies with him after high school after high school so he was a fan of my standup oh you're one of my favorite comics of all time I'll tell you that much no um but then like I did a movie called grama's boy I mean let's [ __ ] go doctor I love it I love it so we did uh Grandma's Boy and then yeah I worked with him forever for like 20 years after that did did so we did uh just go with it a sheep yeah it's a sheep yeah grownups too and all the did he do you pitch him like characters and ideas or did he come with you and go I you can just do whatever you want Nick he just pictures me like the most insane stuff where I'm like what am I doing and like grown-ups 2o he's like yeah you're a bus driver I don't [ __ ] know man just like whatever you doing like Just Go With It with Jennifer Anderson he was like yeah you just you're half a German guy you have a sheep and you bring it back to life I'm like [ __ ] Let's Dance [ __ ] let's go you got like Benchwarmers and Grandma's Boy like all this stuff yeah they're all I mean I'm I'm going to I'm going to say a movie and then you just say say something say say something about it okay Bench Warmers albinos is that a team name there were albinos in the movie it's a life name no I was I played uh a guy that was yeah you [ __ ] know you [ __ ] Gypsy wow it's iron the guy who killed your dad knows everything about you dude he's [ __ ] stalker chanting right now the F yeah so Benchwarmers um he came up with the idea of like these guys in Little League that were adults yep and he's like do you want to write it I'm like yeah let's go and then I wrote this guy that was like not albino but like kind of albino and he lived in the closet that's right and then he peed in a jar and then he [ __ ] lived another day well I can't wait to watch that I was like okay how about Bucky Larson Bucky lson I'm going to get up for this one if you pull some out of your head who's seen the movie Bucky Larson has anybody seen it by round of applause that's fine these guys hate everything they're like waiting for pride month to be over it's fine okay Bucky Larson's one of the best movies ever made it's me Kevin nean Stephen dorf 0% on Rotten Tomatoes oh oh I'm sorry why don't you do that Christopher Nolan you [ __ ] coward yeah you're a sweet Papa so yeah Bucky Larson one of my favorite movies again 0% run to I think it's up to 3% cool which is [ __ ] pretty awesome I will never doubt you ever that's [ __ ] Dave that's [ __ ] statutory Dave you're not too far off Eat Pray Dave that's our new [ __ ] movie doctor doctor that's our new mov let's write it it's eay Dave it's about Dave Matthews Dave Franco and Dave Gro and they go on a trip looking for the best [ __ ] cheese I don't know they go on a Dave road trip isn't cheese a big Minnesota thing or no that's Wisconsin what's the that's Wisconsin [ __ ] what's the Minnesota meal what do you guys Chow Down on butt yeah fresh butt you know what's amazing Nick is your ability to uh impersonate you once told a story about your uh that's ironic what [Applause] he almost made my mustache fall off you did an impersonation of a cat once in your special was that from seriously who farted no that was the other one uh taste taste it I love that special so much oh thank you very much both your special and your new one uh is this will be uh out when your specials out July 18th make joke from Face YouTube Nick scharon and then I'm doing a whole new tour toilet head so my my whole thing and this is one of my best friends I love him so much I love you one of my favorite things is thank you for having me on the show Doctor I love you got anytime you pray you're my favorite doctor you're my only doctor all right how about this everybody else can go [ __ ] themselves Dr Bill Cosby no not on my watch you [ __ ] Lon yeah what of all the sitcom guys to to do uh to do that all right we can change topics uh yeah um you did an impersonation of a cat nick uh I can't do voices of animals right I'm not Dr D little like you but you did a joke in your special where I think your mom's cat attacked you yeah that's a true story by the way yeah has anyone ever been attacked by a cat yes or no who here has been attacked by a cat by round of applause who here has been attacked by a cat not the gay guys okay weird that doesn't that does okay yeah it seems like a terrifying thing to happen because you were just I guess there that's what I was talking about yep I knew I knew you were going there I just cut you off sorry well how did you did you that's the so that sounds like a death trap if a cat's doing that I feel like he wants to [ __ ] you up right let me just say this a cat will [ __ ] you up a dog will have your back a cat [ __ ] no a cat will take your life quickly [Music] they will [ __ ] attach yourself to your Jenny's and [ __ ] kill you they will they don't care about your life they don't no they don't cuz they don't care about their own life I think I mean they [ __ ] in a box yep and then they'll if there's an intruder they don't care about the Intruder yeah and they don't care about you they're like okay well this guy's [ __ ] dead and then they watch you [ __ ] slowly die and be like somebody [ __ ] in my box cuz I'm going to [ __ ] kill someone myself yeah it's insane asylum when's the last time you went to the zoo that's a valid question an hour ago oh [ __ ] yeah weirdly an hour ago I went to the zoo an hour ago there they got I broke in did you really yeah you look like a guy that would break into the zoo dude that's a compliment that's a valid valid compliment I I broke in and sucked off a giraffe yeah I was like G we actually have a we actually have a clip of that Jo no we don't have giraff is on a can you imagine a giraffe's sucking off a giraffe that's like some Fear Factor [ __ ] how do you even do where does it start you know but here's here's my question yeah we can move on okay what about trying to suck off a cheetah it's going 80 mil an hour you're going to try to suck that thing off doctor I'm asking you medical advice right now could you suck off a fast cat well I think if you doctor could you pull that up that's medical advice I think if you put your heart and mind into it you can do anything you want to do all right I'll leave you with that that was amazing uh I want to play a game before we let you go Nick okay uh all right what do you want seriously who farted one of your specials thank you you've you've made a lot of great fart jokes over the years you know it's farts are always funny I've always said I don't want to get to an age in laugh where I don't find farts funny I feel like that's the beginning of the end if you're in an elevator and some little chubble Oompa Loompa fatty [ __ ] kid lets one slip and you get a mouthful of [ __ ] butt gushers in your mouth if you don't laugh or at least half smile you know you might as well [ __ ] jump off the backal on of the yand you know what I'm saying farts are funny and you've always had a new take on farts so yes so I want to I want to play a little game with you okay go for okay I'm going to show you a picture of a a celebrity uh and and I want you to get here yeah and I want you to guess if they uh are about to fart or about to queef you want to play uh yeah I'm [ __ ] down all right let's play farter queef go ahead Stephen all right that was 30 bucks will spent that's Terry Hatcher from Batman Forever fart how do you know hard fart hard fart yep take a seat for me Nick and just open I got to see the [ __ ] thing man you want turn the chair somebody said okay where go you're not a real doctor what is going on man yeah you could have EAS [ __ ] 69 you in the [ __ ] face if you don't shut the [ __ ] up right now I'll [ __ ] eat your wig out all right next slide Stephen all right so this is some sort of a AI did a Kevin Bacon Brad Pit mash up sh so this is Brad so Brad bacon is about to [ __ ] his pants y that's a hard chart by the way would you ever trust a guy introducing to himself as Brad bacon if he was Kevin Bacon's hotter brother maybe that's the only way I would say 100% yeah with turkey bacon what is that's the name of their band what does Brad bacon do for work I would say um Shark Club I think that's the movie he's doing okay next slide Stephen praise him so this is a uh John travol to Tom Cruz combo uh this is number four McDonald's this is John Cruz I mean Jesus Christ that guy's going to [ __ ] eat your family with a spork is that Jim scary F queef Nick Jim Cary what's John Cruz up to I mean not on a cruise ship he looks like [ __ ] the cast of Falcon Crest that's a dated reference sorry jantra no the question is fart or queef Nick you don't have to guess who the [ __ ] it is I already told you farter queef it's a simple game I set it up 10 minutes ago you look at the face God damn it okay I'll say it's a meef what now what is that it's a meat queef so it's when you eat too much meat and then you qu and then you do a steak shark and it's a MEA so I'm GNA [ __ ] establish my own goddamn [ __ ] words doctor it's a ma it's a mate qua the way you the way it's a goddamn [ __ ] meat que I'm not wrong on this Comedy Store let's sign up for this [ __ ] guy now I'm a doctor [ __ ] came [ __ ] on the way you said that with a Southern accent made me think you were like a waitress at like a Cracker Barrel and you were given the specials yep 100% and you're like you could have the pancakes it's going to give you the me queefs got that that me okay next slide Stephen dear God all right that's Sean Penn and Leo is that AI or a gay guy Nick scharon everybody the one and only Nick scharon closing out strong the way God wanted him to I love you buddy the one and only Nick Schwarz and there he goes everybody make it loud for him check out his special make joke from Meet que face Meek queef there he goes Nick scharon let him hear it guys the one and only he's still in the [ __ ] building Make some noise for him there he goes we're going to take one more commercial break we'll be right back we'll be right back everybody no go anywhere [Music] and if the ball drops and doesn't get in there you throw it back but whoever gets the first one in there goes and picks the flag up I already did this Jesus Christ shut the [ __ ] up well I'm just saying they got to they got to get out of the way once the ball goes in so we can go to the nose oh duh yeah [Applause] okay I'm getting roasted by the host of Cake Wars all right on your mark it was unra Bite Me On Your Mark get set go who gets into there first oh Dr Phil Dr Phil run over here he's got to try and find a flag H there oh my god there you go get in there oh my God find a find the utensil which one is it okay come on Skyler okay keep on looking he's the winner oh look Skyler find your favorite uh you know what Skyler Skyler uh Dr Phil is the winner Give It Go for Mark Summers come on baby there he goes wait a minute Dr Phil he's just shut up Mark if you know what's good for you and stay down I'm fine I'm fine I'm [Applause] fine Dr Phil Dr Phil Make Some Noise Comedy Store I just ate [ __ ] walking down the [ __ ] stairs I almost died one more time for Nick Schwartz and everybody huh you guys having a good time so far got some meat queef on my lips uh your next guest is a is a real treat okay he's a real Hollywood star uh he's a a big buff guy now uh you might have seen him from shows like Silicon Valley uh or or Franklin and Bash uh he was a star of Hulu's chipp andales on Hulu uh he wrote and starred in an Academy Award nominated film The Big sick uh and he's here right now uh getting ready to [ __ ] pump you guys up with some giggles and some laughs you guys ready for your next guest on the Dr Phi live show you guys can do a little bit better than that it's a [ __ ] Tuesday night in 2024 make a l Comedy Store for k niani [Applause] [Music] hi hi take a seat Kumil oh man thank you for having me I'm very excited to be here well it's great to see you live I followed you on Facebook for a couple years now that's not me that's aiz andari okay well I've been I've been sending him a lot of weird messages yeah yeah he told me about that well he told Hassan Minaj cuz he thought they were meant for him does that happen a lot do you get mistaken for other people uh every the most nervous I am ever in my life is when someone comes up to me and says hey I loved you and cuz it's either going to be something I'm in or it's going to be a little bit racist it happens all the time people are like you were great on The Daily Show that happened a couple weeks ago [ __ ] well in my defense I thought you were on it and I I didn't know uh Harold and Kumar I get happens all I swear it happens all the time does cpen get Kum Nani uh he says he does yeah yeah do you guys like is there like a competition between you uh un unspoken yeah of course well in Hollywood I think there's a lot of competition in general well yeah you kind of want to defeat all the other brown guys you do yeah yeah I thought I was the only one with that dream yeah I mean I genuinely love all those guys but when I see him in something I'm like well I could have done that a little better I used to feel that way when I'd see the characters on Hollywood Boulevard like a like a filthy Spider-Man yeah I'd see Elmo with like a [ __ ] tampon on his shoe and I was like you ain't [ __ ] better than me you know those guys work hard though but but there's something about uh what they smell like they work hard too they do oh man what a grind can you imagine being in the baking heat did you have day jobs before you uh became a superstar yeah I worked at an office they did does the story get better what office Office Max yeah no all right I'll tell you I [ __ ] I I fixed computers don't [ __ ] oh wow of course you did I did I did I fixed computers but I wasn't good at it so The Stereotype falls apart um and I worked at the University of Chicago okay big deal yeah it's chicag y he parks in the house um and uh I was supposed to so it was these kids they they ran like middle schools and the the at this Middle School on the south side of Chicago EV every kid got a laptop every kid got a laptop and these are not you know these are kids for a lot of it's the first time they've been close to a computer oh [ __ ] and they had one guy whose job was to make sure that those laptops ran and that was me and I it was a [ __ ] nightmare and we had this rule where uh if if it was their fault that it broke they' have to pay $100 and if it was it wasn't their fault we'd fix it for free and one time this girl came and she was like my laptop's not working and I opened it and it just like bottles of water poured out bottles of water and I was like well what do you think happened she's like I don't know I was using it outside and it stopped working and I was like was it raining outside and she's like yeah and I was like it's going to be $100 and she's like I didn't make it rain God Made It Rain I was like honey there's no God it's $100 it's a great story that's probably the best laptop uh child abuse story I've ever heard that is the worst ones man but they're not funny oh well we got time what else you got no all right no let's move on yeah I worked there for 5 years you reflect on those days I'm sure right when you're out here hustling and bustling and grinding and winding you probably go [ __ ] at least I'm not doing that anymore right and those people were wonderful those kids were wonderful I just wasn't the right guy for it I wasn't good at it there was a tech closet and I would go in and I'd use it to nap cuz I only I had the key to it so I'd go nap there all the time what were you really doing there well I was surfing the internet for some fun fun stuff sure yeah now that we're here what were you looking up well we'll all go around and say what our favorite category is you just start us off I feel like back then there weren't as many categories as there are now that's why I asked dude back in the day it was like boobs butts balls dicks yeah face legs and the races all the races and all the races just it was a different combo of like body part plus race yeah you you had a map you click the map and then you click the doll and then you'd see someone doing something to them from that area well I don't know what that's all about but yeah that sounds like a good time you grew up in a different part of the country I guess now you're from Pakistan [Music] okay I guess I look like a guy who's going to be like yeah yeah what are you doing here you were good and you were good and master of none yeah yeah is there Pakistani porn oh is there Pakistani porn Mia Khalifa Mia Khalifa she's not Pakistani I bet do people you think yeah do you think people come up to her and go hey I thought you were great and butts and boobs four and she's like that wasn't me by the way what a great joke porn title but for sure it's out there butts and boobs four yeah yeah now what do you think it was about and why they have to do a fourth one give me the plot of butts and boobs one and then I'll tell you how we got to two all right okay butts and boobs one yep there's a scientist okay and uh he's never seen a woman naked yep and he's heard these words butts and boobs and he doesn't know what they are so he goes on an odyssey uh a scientific Odyssey to find what these myth mythical things are it sounds like Andy's live Story I mean this is just kind of the beginning that's a a call back my buddy Andy's draws vag all right go ahead he draws vaginas well he's a graphic designer we asked him earlier to to what how he would start drawing a vagina and he was like first of all draw a big circle and then I and then maybe maybe there's a [ __ ] maybe there's not you know sound but for depending on where they're from I guess yeah yeah okay no and this let let's we'll cut that out is what they said nope we're leaving that in for sure that's the only part of the show we're leaving in please that's the only part of the show it's going to be intro me and then that [ __ ] line and then sto's butt parade and then closing credits wait okay so so the scientist has never seen a woman uh naked and but he's heard about butts and boobs and then he goes on a scientific aicy and he [ __ ] a bunch of women great but but the D oh my God by the way one guy legit was like dude that's a great story dude yeah no wonder they had to do three more movies he's like that's but and boobs one they get to all that in one how' they cover all that in just one movie Avatar took two movies oh [ __ ] and then the director realized like oh we forgot to put the boobs in this one yep cuz the women never took their shirt off y hello sequel yeah there we go now would you ever do a sequel to the big sick you guys see the big sick I mean that's one of my favorite movies of all time you [ __ ] Crush that movie man thank you thank you what would the sequel be me talking to you here yep I don't think people want that okay all right well we'll find out in a few weeks on YouTube well the sad part has been that I'm not going to finish that sentence well I'm I'm not going to say it well feel like we're not going anywhere until you do say it but well tell how about this wh whisper uh [ __ ] I don't know uh all right I I'll say it in uru okay okay wait what's urgu uru yeah it's a language I made up that 300 million other people also made up it's the language you speak in Pakistan urgu it sounds like what the hog Tua girl do for you if you uh if you ask real nice have you have you did you see that video yeah I saw that video what do you think about viral videos is it tough to go VI like you know you're out there you got clips of your standup and your shows right Silicon Valley was on uh when the internet was really popping and chopping right yeah and so people started to find out there were clips of of your scenes and like you know CH there's all these scenes now people can see everything in bits and pieces do you think that's good for the normal people out there that are trying to F get their 15 minutes of fame or do you think it's backfiring what that people are going viral for saying hu Tua or whatever I think it's great you love it yeah give it to whatever people there's a reason things go viral people want to see that she was very Charming um and people wanted to see that and now she's famous for a few minutes and that's fine yeah a few minutes yeah there's I mean I don't mean she's going to stop being famous I just mean she's been famous for a few minutes yeah it's only been a few weeks probably going to probably going to be another few years you know what if Trump asked her to be uh his running mate I think there's a 0% chance she says no so she's going to say yes that'd be [ __ ] wild I mean once Schwarzenegger became Governor I was like dude anything's possible yeah cuz they're equally famous HW Tua and the Terminator sorry that was a burn no that wasn't a burn that was a real statement from a real guy also Schwarzenegger you want to talk about Terminator I was going to say the guy who got pregnant the first man you ever seen Junior of course I've seen Junior who's seen Junior with Arnold schwarzeneger that's a movie about truly the American dream you know yeah it's not a tumor it's not a tumor it's a baby yeah the baby might have a tumor it's inside of a man you know that's not that's not normal what's your uh I don't know I'm not going to say anything about that okay what's your uh what's your take on uh uh on marriage advice you know I think there's all you've been married for how many years it'll be 17 this month guys Round of Applause for Camille Nani celebrating 17 years of meritable meritable bliss meritable Mar yeah well you're the therapist don't you have like marriage advice you've been married what for more more years yeah 4 about 48 49 48 49 years you've been mad you lose count out you'll find this out once it gets past 30 you're just like who are you again you know but no we're having a good time you got to keep it fresh that's what I always tell people you know like Mike and Lynn they're N9 months in what would you say to them Mike and Lynn right here you're N9 months in yeah how's it going has it changed in since marriage how long were you together before you got married pick a question K that was three questions in one how how long were you together before you got married that was the that was the last they're not married they're not married okay so what's that was just a lie oh no so yeah so there's they're nine months of dating is what I meant oh you've been dating for nine months so what advice I guess do you have for them in the future are you going to get do you want to get M this is a terrible question to ask no this is well I mean you want to do it right you want to do it right now no do you guys want to get married answer together together on 3 2 1 go [Applause] no Wow Mike and Lynn that's a couple who knows what they want and it's not each other that's that was imp that was incredible that's a couple that's been through several [Applause] divorces you been through several divorces yeah God bless you God bless you Mike seems like a good guy though he's you guys have not stopped touching each other and that's really sweet well it's hard once you've established that at a comedy show the touching cuz now we're just waiting for them to stop touching and we what happened it's I guess we ended N9 months cam have you seen Oppenheimer yeah I see I love the Segways buts and boobs part one do you want to get married Oppenheimer well you've been nominated for an Academy Award yourself so I figure uh and you go to I always see you thank you yeah I mean you have you've had quite the career from from Avengers to was it in that no brown people in that well so you're not thinking of at least it's not racist am I thinking of a z on sorry who am I thinking of no you were in a Marvel movie yeah different ones different yeah what's it called again eternals eternals that's right my agent is here tonight let's go your agent yeah sir if you're here who's kicking kids out for stealing printer ink from Best Buy you're a big [ __ ] I'm jealous what's your workout regimen be how many push-ups can you do in 10 minutes 10 minutes y 100 100 [ __ ] okay someone's wet this guy looks awesome yeah doesn't he look cool you you you knew I was in eternals yeah a this guy's got so much going for yeah he really does he's buff he's handsome his tattoos are cool you're actually who I want to be in like 50 years you know I want tattoos when I'm older I mean right now it's cool but like when you're when you're older you want to just let everything go right you want to say [ __ ] it well this is smart because your tattoos when you're 70 are going to be all like stretched out but if your skin is already stretched out then when you get tattoos they're going to look [ __ ] awesome right cuz you're already do you think it's a bad idea to get a tattoo when you're like 85 I don't think what would you what would it be do not resuscitate do [Music] not oh [ __ ] that is what mine would be if I'm 85 I'm like don't tried to keep this going give me an out yeah I know I I know I would definitely think about the person that's got to pull the plug that's got to be a tough gig yeah I mean yeah all right we can shift gears easier than easier than being yeah an executioner Kumil when you were uh chip Andals I want to talk about Chi Andals real quick yeah you guys welcome to chip Andals stting Kil Nani if you haven't seen it it's all have you seen it my man you haven't seen it get the [ __ ] out of here dude do you got Hulu yeah it's a great uh Network it's a great show it's great no it's great it's about the guy who started the chipp and Deals yeah and he was an he was an immigrant from India and uh he I don't why they're laughing they're just laughing at facts hold on a second laughing at facts Steve you're embarrassing me in front of my friend I'm sorry Le to the mic yeah I apologize what what why did you find that I can't come any closer to you Steve can you lean forward baby why'd you laugh at that I I've seen the whole series you're what what do you mean you're seeing the whole series I I've watched it from start to finish oh you've seen the whole series yeah hey lay off that guy's cool it it falls apart it falls it falls apart he said you said it falls apart yeah go go talk to him some more what do you mean it falls apart Steve I'm pretty sure his whole marriage and everything oh his marriage not the show I thought he was like it's no butts and boobs 3 yeah it's got third act problems [ __ ] you Steve I like you Steve uh Kum when you got uh yeah that's a good show Welcome to Chi andales watch it uh it's a it's a True Crime Story it's awesome there's a lot of stuff the guy who hosts the stripper show on it is not is he's not that great but other than that I heard he was actually a scene stealing uh he wasn't that good we had to really cut around that guy you're talking about the guy who was on roller skates he MC of the strip club yeah he's the MC of the strip club he's on roller skates we just did get we just wanted someone we he can roller kid and that's about it well I heard he actually brought a lot to the table no you you you are you you certainly not seen the show then my friend well I have seen it and I know the guy that was in it I think you're [ __ ] mistaken [ __ ] yeah oh I don't know no true story the guy who he's talking about uh is Adam Ray and I've uh he told yeah and K's K's not too far off I mean this guy showed up they asked him to go down a ramp on roller skates day one and he fell and they took the ramp away I will say for real that guy was genuinely awesome on the show and we were like very very grateful to have him he was really good on the show well uh I'll tell him you said that and and I think that shows about male strippers don't get enough love because that was a real time with real people going [ __ ] banana city right yeah well well um uh okay so Adam was there for the taping y uh as were the rest of the cast y I don't know how to negotiate this um but it's you see the energy of so there would be like extras in the crowd whose job was just to like react to the to the male strippers and we tell them like don't don't you you know this dialogue happening too so don't scream just like pretend to scream so there'd be like men taking their clothes off and woman going like all day every day and each time he yelled cut the women would go [ __ ] wild like actually we did not want them to in fact we wanted them not to each time we yelled cut they'd go [ __ ] insane and it was awesome to see yeah yeah I I was watch I was like this is why chip Andals was huge there's no place for women to like see naked men and not feel threatened sure yeah these women were extras but they were uh they were they were bringing the real energy yeah they were really good yeah there was um a one performer uh named Otis in the show yeah and uh I saw a couple women grab is is uh grab it wait you were there too I heard about [ __ ] I heard about it let's move on oh yeah there was the they Dr Phil came to say that's right I was there I was a I was a big fan of uh of you uh all right uh Camille I looked you up on IMDb and before we wrap this up and I appreciate you being here I amks for I am a big fan you guys enjoyed Cil Nani on tonight's show you're a busy guy you're a you're a talented guy and you're a you're a buff guy now too by the way I want to say I got I've got three posters above my bed Pamela Anderson Tracy McGrady and K [Applause] Nani I mean you're talking about you have a T-Mac you you got a T-Mac poster above your bed I got a T-Mac from the magic days of course I that was my team the Orlando Magic Orlando Magic but you're from Pakistan you're thinking of yes that is me okay so yeah well when I first came here for college my uncle lived outside Orlando so I'd go visit them uh all the time and I'd go see magic games when Shaq was no when McGrady was playing it was McGrady poek yeah well we could name all the people you know Bo Outlaw and Bo Outlaw darl Armstrong What a cool name athletes just have athlete names right yeah Bo Outlaw Bo Outlaw that sounds like a guy who started butts and boobs six now kale you're uh when you got really big in buff the world went [ __ ] berserk I mean you posted that sh how excited were you to post that picture on Instagram I couldn't wait I posted it I could not [ __ ] wait it was months and months and years of just [ __ ] injections and treatments right yeah no hard work or discipline no I walked into the Captain America machine Marvel has it they have a real one is it the same machine that turned Steve urel into Stefan herel it's that's a real machine yeah yeah that's what it does so yeah so wait no you got so you what did you say you said Marvel was like we want to [ __ ] with you and you said well let me give me a couple days right no they actually didn't want me to do anything and I just did it on my own cuz I'd known for a year and a half before the movie that I was going to do it so I started doing it a year and a half before and then I showed up and they were like what the [ __ ] happened yep and I said I just you know watched your movies and tried to be those guys and I wanted an excuse to get buff really I mean I just needed well it worked yeah it worked yeah and and you're still you're still pretty buff yeah I got addicted to it I really give me a little give me a little Flex give me a little Flex real quick really little Flex yeah really yeah no wait hold on a second all right will you give us a flex this guy this guy's your big wait how about this go hey come up you want to come up on stage real quick sir guys keep it going for this guy huh come on up on stage come on up Sir come stand right in the middle here come right stand right between Mommy and Daddy Let's Go what's your name sir Zach all right all right yeah uh I like your style Zach you're a big guy uh big fan of Kum yeah thanks Zach yeah of course all right not a man of many words should have thought through Zach uh yeah what happens now so I think you just I think we just we let the audience how about this we'll let Lyla decide okay lla want you guys just a flex or maybe uh I don't know do a thumb war I don't know take your dick what what should we what should we do lla just a flex would say how about a flex and Zach cannot wait to flex how about that yeah you were in chiale so how about Hey Stephen you got some music no no no no no just just we I'll Flex you Flex oh my god look that W oh wow all right wa wait wait wait Andy come up come up come [Applause] up and Andy and we have a winner keep it going for Andy keep it going for Zach you guys can sit out thank you so much guys one more time for K Nani huh uh wow that was impressive Andy that was Andy looks [ __ ] great yeah that was [ __ ] by the way Andy gets up and he's like you want me to do it I [ __ ] love you dude um all right Kil before you get out of here um we have a quick game I want to play with you okay you guys doing all right can we play a quick game before we wrap this show up uh I've read a lot of your uh quotes online I'm a big quote guy okay I like to to wake up in the morning kind of do a little Mantra to myself and there's a lot of quotes on IMDb uh which is a side that lists all your credits and professional achievements and there's some quotes uh of things that you've said and I want to play a game with you uh to see if you remember saying this in a game we call uh you said this or maybe you didn't I threw in some fake madeup quotes of my own and I want you to see if you can remember if you said it or you didn't all right all right here we go stepen let's [Applause] play that was 60 bucks Will Smith all right Kil here we go well you get what you pay for oh by the way can somebody get two shots at tequila for me and Lyla we're going to take these uh take those at some point think I got monkey pox all right so first quote uh Kum I stay home it's the best place to be alone there is hardly any walk through traffic did you say that or did you not say that it sounds like something stupid I would say yeah you said that that's correct uh standup is uh successful if they laugh it's unsuccessful if they don't laugh did you say that or did you not say that I think I said that too correct you're two for two yeah really dropping a lot of wisdom there I once had a dream that Miles Teller ordered pizza to my house on accident then we all hung out and played Baler Dash I know I know my dreams are like Bud plugs nobody really likes them did you say that or did you not say that I did not say that that is correct that was mine I never really got go ahead why are you butt plugs are very popular let's keep going yeah they are I think they're coming back yeah they never left by the way that's their slogan you've never seen butts and boobs eight butts and boobs eight that's when butt plugs real yeah just dropped from the [ __ ] uh from the uh you know they dropped all right I never really got into game shows the easiest one is Wheel of Fortune because you just have to know words and for the most part everyone knows words you know if you say say it right it is funny all right you want you want to say it no okay all right well let me see H I don't want to do the next one well I was going to do the next one I did say that I did say that you said the game show one yeah all right let me say the game show one and see if I can do it right I never really got into game shows the easiest one is Wheel of Fortune because you just have to know words and for the most part everyone knows words yeah you're right that was way funnier give me my [ __ ] paperbag soon as this [ __ ] Hanan Minaj all right that actually your delivery is I'll say this Cil your delivery is uh your standup is you're back on the road aren't you I am I'm back on the road I have dates coming up please you have you want to plug your dates yeah you want to butt plug your dates you're not going to read the next one to see read the last one if it's me or not all right K did that one was me Wheel of Fortune was me that was you I love Wheel of Fortune Pat sjck retired did you did you [Music] cry Ryan secis I think will'll do a good job yeah I think so it's not a hard job no yeah it's hey guess hey what the [ __ ] do you think what do you think it is yeah say say a letter well that's not that next one over you go spin the big thing $13 million a year that is that what Pat sjck got I assume so I love I'm just picturing you laying in bed right your wife's shopping online right women be shopping and you're sitting there and she looks over and you're Googling Pat s Jack's net worth uh I I I I I bet I bet I have done that yeah I bet it's like very hot got to be yeah I bet it's 60 mil a year towards the end tbec I know was making 100 million what that's not true gotcha all right the last one you were so excited for that to be real R all right last one I think I think Jews are weird they smell they smell like weird candy that sold at a gift shop in the hospital did you say that or did you not say [Applause] that I did not not say that yeah that's correct he did not say that guys that's Camille Nani now camale before we let you get out of here and I've loved every minute of having you here uh the show is all about ego and I want to make sure that uh that we all check our ego and tonight uh somebody reach out to me for some advice on the drfi live show and I wanted to to bring them here so they could uh kind of clear up some unfinished business with you with me yeah it's somebody that uh that you might not know because you might not have known that they exist existed it's a an illegitimate child of yours who hit me up because they said their dad has never reached out hasn't tried to connect and they're here to squash that beef and uh I don't I don't have any ilit well we'll we'll let the [ __ ] audience decide ladies and gentlemen the audience doesn't get to decide shut the [ __ ] up K that's not how it works please welcome Kum Nani's son here he is [Music] [Applause] [Music] Papa oh please I know I I don't know this I don't hey hey that's hey that's your son you're pushing away okay Haven you you pushed me away for too many years Papa where is he from don't look at me you're the one who [ __ ] and made him I think that was aiz andar [Applause] he's all wet he is currently wet oh now you care about if he's dry or not he's dripping that's how quickly you you left me wet out of the amniotic sack of me mother wait how how recently have you come out of the amniotic sack of your mother many years you haven't talked to me okay why are you wet right now I just got done sailing the seven SE a Pakistan oh yeah name [Applause] them you know what name one one C of Pakistan Bethany all right [ __ ] yeah I did not think you were going to get that wait a sec wait a second so what's your name Kumil son shman Nani all right how old are how old are you 50 Subs wait a second you can't be older than Kum yeah that's I mean I'm a little boy okay there I'm a little boy Papa I'm genuinely a little scared well you might be scared but you also might be uh uh confused BEC he's not my son well that's why it's no it's this sort of negative attitude that I think is has turned your son into a fisherman in his 50s maybe a couple hugs every other Sunday would have made him stick with little league he's wet right now he was sailing the seven Pakistani Seas yeah and the only one who could name was Bethany well what are the other six chartruse Ritz Cheeto do you want me to continue no I guess he is Pakistani now Sherman uh I know that you've come a long way Papa why do you look so uncomforable he really sounds like he's a Triumph the insult comic dog son well is that an authentic Pakistani accent yeah like what's your [Music] uh why do you look at me with discussed after all these years Papa um what what do you like about Pakistan the weather okay now I know you're not it's very hot there do you remember your mom and all Sherman yeah I do before she was taken by the lus monster we used to play by the cliff side calling for papa's name g Gil will you ever return home and the last words I spoke to my mother she said I don't believe in you and then she died and then I vowed that day I said I will find my real birth father and he will say that he believes in me no his mustache is on his lower lip wow it's so unsettling maybe if you taught him out a shave I don't Papa I'm looking for the real answers in life Papa okay what are the questions first can we start off with a hook can we start what start for the no we're not we're not going how about a how about a kiss no all right there's like mud on him right now yeah that's bacteria that you could have cleaned off had you not disappeared I don't what hold on a second hold on a second I think there's a better way to settle this all right I have a paternity test here do you does he have to hang out right here can he hang out on the is this better he can hang out in your car if that's easier yeah go outside wait in my car is there another part of the stage you could like situate yourself at after all these years you want to keep separating yourself from me well guess what you may or may not ever see him again based on these results Stephen hit me with some fraternity music [Music] I've got in my hands the [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] result go ahead go ahead Stephen I've got in my hands stop [ __ ] [Music] [Music] clapping does that look familiar you taught me everything you taught him all those dance moves Kum well you said you've never met me so how could I have taught you from your online videos of your acting Stephen hit me with the paternity music one more time I've gotten my hand I've gotten my hand ladies and gentlemen stop [ __ ] stop it I've got in my hand the results to whether or not Sherman Nani is actually Kum Nani's real son do you guys want to find out I do you guys want to do you guys want to find shut the [ __ ] up Kumil this is a real moment with a real child with real uh no parents I'm only 14 years old all right I got a my hand the results Lyla I want you to come up and read these results for me come on up Lyla come on up K do you do any Impressions Papa why do you call me kale and papa because it's like you're so distant from me oh my God shot here for a second we're going to take that after guys keep it going for L do you do any Impressions go ahead Sherman go go go do your thing yeah I want lla to read the results uh first of all how many people think Sherman is Cam's son how many people think he's not we're about we're about to we're about to F he's not my son it's almost over k shut up go ahead and read the results here is Sherman Nani Kum Nani's son where does it say that uh Camille oh jermiah is Camille's long lost [Music] son my name is Sherman but I'll [ __ ] take [Applause] wait so this is my actual son yep well you see uh I actually didn't write anything down and I wanted Lily to decide because uh we don't know oh actually this is an actor that I hired no to play your son what how did you find someone who looks so much like me well Kum hey uh what's up everybody this is steo and I'm going to pull some out of my bottle right [Applause] now Ste Ste dude you're gnarly okay you are getting a little aggressive I brought you up here to prove a point you're taking it two steps too far and you're sing [ __ ] wet for some reason he's soaking wet right now if I take off my jacket then could I have a no hey hey enough with the jacket [ __ ] okay and enough with the [ __ ] charades okay I told you when you came out here I wanted you to help my friend Kum figure out who he is on the outside so that he could get turned up on the inside and all you've done is embarrass me and embarrass all these fans on a Tuesday night in Los Angeles and I've had enough of it oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Andy come on up Andy take those muscles and show us what you [Applause] [Music] got okay okay that's enough Andy Andy stay up here [Music] and stay down dude that was gnarly [ __ ] [ __ ] sorry you guys had to see that but I'm not sorry you guys had to feel that we learned a lot tonight did we not I think it was one of those nights where had to take a step back so you could take a step forward we learned that it doesn't matter how you get you can always push yourself to new limits and New Heights and and we learned that no matter who you go to for medical advice there's always somebody out there with a better idea of how many butth holes you really have keep it going for the birthday boy steo huh for coming out tonight go check out a special on sto.com I know that as life gets tougher and tougher you look for ways to to better yourself to make a connection with the world and sometimes you do it unexpectedly in on accident and sometimes you uh they brag uh about your abilities uh to wet a penis and the whole world becomes a fan overnight keep it going for uh Haley uh the hog Tua girl you know a friend once told me uh uh uh that you got to you got to love what you do but you also got to love who you do it with and if you don't have an Adam sailor impression uh you probably haven't worked with them and somebody also told me that farts uh can be funny even as you get older but you got to make sure you're dress like a kickball coach from 1994 keep it going for Nick schwarzen ladies and gentlemen he's coming out with a brand new YouTube special you got to check it out and look it don't get any better or bigger or sexier uh than the man behind me he's not as Ease on sorry he's not Assan Minaj he's Kum Nani keep it going for him right behind me the guy came with a plan and a purpose and he [ __ ] he's right behind me you can make it latter than that he's right behind me baby I love you I love you look for him in the next Avengers movie meat queefs but my favorite part about tonight is that we uh we got to learn about the people out there in the crowd which is my favorite part of do in this show Lyla grab your shot grab your shot Andy Andy grab do you want a shot Andy okay come on up here Andy Lyla come on up here Andy why are you so [ __ ] awkward right now what is that water he's giving you the Tequila that's in his hand I want to give you my shot Andy I guess I should ask to see your ID first but uh uh sir can I have your back wash what is this Dave am sour Who Am Amir sour yeah that's that's a hard pass guys uh I want oh here you got another one holy [ __ ] God God bless the staff here at The Comedy Store huh I want to say this to you guys we've done about uh almost 15 drfi lives and tonight you guys might be the best one we've done yet your energy was [ __ ] unbelievable the guests were on fire we had a lot of fun Andy lla Andy take us out Andy what are we cheersing to Andy you I love you guys did you have a good time tonight one more time for Nick scharon one more time for cam Nani one more time for Jeremiah Watkins down here on the ground in steo my man you guys TOA and Andy Robin I'll see you at home I got a sign kale poster in the trunk good night everybody [Applause] Ro [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music]