Jon Stewart Tackles Harris & Trump's Debate and What This Means for the Election | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show! My name is Jon Stewart. The second presidential debate has just wrapped up. We are live. Well, technically, technically, I guess this is the second presidential debate. The first presidential debate of this match up. I can't wait to see who the winner will take on next I think. Well, coming to you live, ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out who will be the next president of PaMiNevMiAzGaNc. It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation. As the rest of us watch with great interest from the neighboring country of NoOneGivesAShitistan. [LAUGHTER] By the way, if you have any friends in PaMiNevMiAzGaNc, can you see if they can do anything about congestion pricing? All right, forget it. But so far, it seems like this presidential race is going to be a tight one. REPORTER: The election now a dead heat. --separated by razor thin margins. --neck and neck. --feels like a jump ball race right now. For all intents and purposes, horseshoes and hand grenades. It's a it's a coin flip. The tightest race in a generation. --as tight as it can get. --as tight as a tick. --as tight as a too tight bathing suit and a too long car ride home from the beach. [LAUGHTER] That seems very tight. It's as tight as a teenage boy's pants during a Sydney Sweeney film festival. Ooh! It's tighter than Sydney Sweeney's scheduling windows given how busy she is with projects and in demand as a producer to say nothing of the-- anyway, she's very talented. Of course, with an election this tight, it is important to build out a more diverse coalition. And recently, Donald Trump has picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats, RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard and might even have picked up one of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers. I am no longer a Democrat. I am no longer a member of the Democratic party. This was not my party. I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention. I can't associate myself with the party itself. No, wait. Don't go. [LAUGHTER] Oh, you're no longer in the Democratic party, Alan Dershowitz? Well, guess what? Democrats don't want you anyway! Because the democratic party has standards! OK? We don't-- REPORTER: Last week, former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed Vice President Harris. [LAUGHTER] Would you excuse me one second? [VOMITING] I don't know what came over me. Anyway, going into the debate, one thing was cl-- I'm sorry. You know what? Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera one? Fuck off. [LAUGHTER] Seriously, fuck off. You came this close to destroying the entire world. We were this close! Closer than a teenage boy's pants! And no! I'm not going to have any fun with this! And by the way, who in god's name is that endorsement going to sway? Well, I like the Democrat's policy on child tax credits. But are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries? There's still some buildings standing. Someone should really do something-- [VOMITING] I'm fine. It's fine. Seriously, though, fuck that guy. Now, obviously, please-- [APPLAUSE] What an erudite takedown. Obviously, each candidate was going to have their goals and strategies. For Kamala Harris, it was going to be quite a needle to thread. She really wants to make sure that Americans know her backstory, walk away understanding her policy stances. Make sure she needles Donald Trump. Gets him to lash out. Expose the flaws that she sees in him. Stays calm. Be ready for all attacks. She's got, like, two minutes. Is there anything else? There are some people who are worried that she might be over preparing. Really? After doing all that? You know, Trump was encouraged to take a simpler approach. They expect some goading remarks from Harris. They have stressed to him over and over again, do not respond. If you're going to respond at all to use facial expressions, not to actually go out there and say anything. [LAUGHTER] Kamala, say everything. Trump, say nothing. But here's what you do, Mr. Former President, if Kamala says something that surprises you, you just go. And if Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go. And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy time, you go, oh, yeah. So those were the goals. Both candidates have now entered the arena. Biden and Trump did not greet each other. And Kamala-- oh, wait, she went for the handshake! Ladies and gentlemen, what an incredible display of the awkward tension that happens when your son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her parents for the first time. [LAUGHTER] Do I-- konichiwa! As per tradition in American politics, the first question is always asked by the most handsome person in a 10 to 15 mile radius. When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago? Ooh, first, yowza. [LAUGHTER] Oh, yeah. Second, answer the question, Mrs. Vice President. I imagine and have actually a plan to build what I call an opportunity economy. My plan is to give a $50,000 tax deduction to start up small businesses. I intend on extending a tax cut for those families of $6,000. Holy shit! We're one question in and we're all millionaires! Oh, my god! Donald, your response to the question, is the economy better now than it was four years ago? We have millions of people pouring into our country from prisons and jails, from mental institutions, and insane asylums. They're dangerous. They're at the highest level of criminality. They are taking over the towns. They're taking over buildings. They're going in violently. Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say, after surviving the PTSD of the last presidential debate, how unbelievably refreshing it is to go back to the same old nobody's going to answer any fucking questions! This is unbelievable! We're back! America is back! [CHEERING] Yeah! You ask them a question, they just turn the tide and answer whatever they want to answer! And now that we're returning to the cliches, the standards of American political theater, I think it's only fair if someone would do the honors of the first baseless ad hominem. She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist. Her father is a Marxist professor in economics. And he taught her well. But when you look at what she's done to our country-- Oh, shit. She's about to be like, motherfucker, let's just do this. I'm going to-- boop, boop. She's about to-- a Marxist? She's about to open up a can of ass capital on Donald Trump. Linsey Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers on Kamala's hand unite. I want to turn to the issue of abortion. Oh, boy. I'm not superstitious. But this is where the wheels fell off for Biden. He was asked about abortion. And he somehow spun it into why are immigrants raping people? And he ended with a classic phrase, we'll never forget. And that's when we finally beat Medicare. [LAUGHTER] They're feeling it too, ladies and gentlemen. As before President Trump, you have the first crack at answering why you killed Roe v. Wade. We've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states. And the states are voting. And I did something that nobody thought was possible. Jon Stewart from the I Was Watching This Live Times Picayune, what you just said, yeah, that's actually insanely false. The majority of people wanted it. You know what? Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris, can you address this with a bit more eloquence? I have talked with women around our country. You want to talk about this is what people wanted? Pregnant women who want to carry a pregnancy to term suffering from a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because the health care providers are afraid they might go to jail and she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot? She didn't want that. Holy shit. She crushed that. This is like-- [CHEERING] This is like-- what? This is like one of those "Groundhog Day" movies where you get to go back and fix the bad way that something happened earlier to the good way. And then, you learn Italian and the piano. And then, you get sad and then despondent. And then, you learn how to love yourself. Anyway, Trump will now finally have to answer to his abortion policy. You know what it reminds me of? When they said they're going to get student loans terminated and it ended up being a total catastrophe. Ah, [EXHALES WEAKLY]. Student loan smoke bomb! Poof! But we're settling into a rhythm here. Nice back and forth. I got to give it to Trump. He's sticking to his guns. And he's not letting Kamala Harris get under his skin. I actually think she's not going to be able to needle him. I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump's rallies. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom. [CHEERING] Oh, shit! He's just going to start taking off his earrings and be like, that's it, motherfucker! Let's go! Folks, the eagle has landed! She has attacked what is Donald Trump's most cherished family member, his rally crowds. Donald, remember your training. The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill. You don't need to think about the oth-- First, let me respond this to the rallies. She said, people start leaving. People don't go to her rallies. Son of a bitch! People don't leave my rallies. We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics. Our country is being lost. We're a failing nation. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in, they're eating the cats. They're eating-- they're eating the pets of the people that live there. [LAUGHTER] What the fuck just happened? I got these unbelievable rallies. People don't leave. They're eating dogs! In Springfield, the immigrants are eating people's dogs! Which reminds me, if I may for just a quick moment, a quick reminder to all the pet owners out there. always remember to leash your dogs. [LAUGHTER] It's an important way to keep your dogs from fighting other dogs, or being hit by a car, or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors. Oh, I'm sorry. Also, fuck off, Dick Cheney. [CHEERING] I'm sorry. You were saying? I just want to clarify here. You bring up Springfield, Ohio. And ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there have been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured, or abused by individuals within the immigrant community. I've seen people on television. Let me just say here. The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food. So maybe he said that. And maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager. DAVID MUIR: I'm not taking this from television. But the people on television said their-- DAVID MUIR: The city manager-- DONALD TRUMP: --dog was eaten by the people that went there. DAVID MUIR: Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that. [LAUGHTER] Having spent some time in Springfield myself, I believe I know what's happening here. I believe Trump himself may be becoming one of Springfield's most famous residents. And I believe we have some footage. It's rotten being old. No one listens to you. [APPLAUSE] [CHEERING] Someone ate my dog! And finally, no debate with the former president would be complete without addressing the former president's closing number of the Trump show's first term. Mr. president, on January 6th, you told your supporters to march to the Capitol. You said you would be right there with them. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? It wasn't done by me. It was done by others. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. I wasn't responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn't do her job. I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. You spent two months riling up your base that our country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means that you could never even get a whiff of in a court of law and let-- and let yourself just abuse them. You pressed on. You abused their trust. You showed up for a speech? You fucking tweeted, "Join me on January 6th. It will be wild." But suddenly now, I was just a hired magician at a bar mitzvah. I didn't do anything. I showed up with a hat and a rabbit. And then, the whole party went out of control. And this is it, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know if this debate is going to change anything. I really don't. People are awfully set in the manner that they view these proceedings. What I think is a home run answer for one candidate, someone else views as a dodge or a lie or any of those other things. In some ways, it doesn't matter what they say anymore. But one thing will always be true. And it is the quality of the former president I respect the least. Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels. As Shaggy would say, it wasn't me! I did nothing wrong. I just showed up. They're the ones who went crazy. This man, who constantly professes to be your champion, who says they're going to have to go through him to get to you, will always, when the boat is going down, be the first into the lifeboats. Because in that moment, he will always say the same thing. I didn't know anything about it. I was just told to show up for a cruise, even though everybody knows he was the fucking captain of the ship. In any other country, that lack-- in any other country, in any other country, that lack of accountability would be disqualifying. But in this country, it means the race is tighter than a-- would you excuse me for just one second? [VOMITING]