Gutfeld: This would be the opposite of the Biden ‘clown show’

[ Applause ] >> Greg: THANK YOU. CAN SOMEBODY HELP THAT POOR WOMAN WHO FAINTED? HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE. THIS FALL, CHRIS CHRISTIE WILL TEACHER'S CLASS AT EL ON HOW TO RUN A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN. HE WILL DISCUSS EVERYTHING HE'S EVER DONE AND THEN SAY DON'T DO THAT. THE CLASS WILL ONLY BE OPEN TO TEN STUDENTS BECAUSE THAT'S THE MOST THAT WILL FIT IN THERE WITH HIM. THE CLASS WILL BE VERY INCLUSIVE CONSIDERING HE IS FLUENT IN OVER EIGHT SANDWICHES. [ Laughter ] AND ANY STUDENT BRINGING AN APPLE SHOULD BE AWARE HE WON'T ACCEPT IT UNLESS IT'S DIPPED IN CARAMEL. >> HE'S A FRIEND. >> Greg: KAMALA HARRIS HAS BEEN CRITICIZED FOR BRINGING TIM WALZ ALONG WITH HER FOR TONIGHT INTERVIEW BUT SUPPORTERS SAY AMERICA IS USED TO HER DRAGGING AROUND A CREEPY OLD WHITE GUY. [ Applause ] >> Greg: SHE CLAIMED SHE ONCE WORKED AT MCDONALD'S BUT PEOPLE ARE FINDING IT VERY HARD TO VERIFY THIS ALTHOUGH ONE FORMER EMPLOYEE SAYS SHE DID PUT HIM IN JAIL. WHY WOULD SHE LIE? ANYWAY, A VENEZUELAN MIGRANT GANG WAS CAUGHT TAKING OVER AN APARTMENT COMPLEX IN AURORA COLORADO. AUTHORITIES ARE AT A LOSS ON HOW TO NEGOTIATE WITH PEOPLE SO WILLING TO RISK THEIR SECURITY DEPOSIT. I LIKE THAT JOKE AND I RESENT YOU FOR NOT LAUGHING. [ Laughter ] >> I APPROVE THIS RESENTMENT. >> THANK YOU. LAUNDRY EXPERTS MAY HAVE UNCOVERED WHERE YOU'RE MISSING SOCKS HAVE GONE. THEY MAY HAVE BEEN TALKED TO -- SUCKED INTO IMPROPERLY INSERTED THAN FILTERS ALTHOUGH SOME MEN JUST MIGHT HAVE PUT THEM THE FRONT OF THEIR PANTS. [ Laughter ] COLORADO MAN SURVIVED A NIGHT ALONE ON A MOUNTAIN AFTER HIS COWORKERS LEFT HIM BEHIND IT DURING AN OFFICE RETREAT. WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS? [ Laughter ] >> I SAW THAT ONE COMING. >> ACCORDING TO THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL, PARENTING CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH DUE TO HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR KIDS HATE YOUR GUTS. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: KEEP IT ON THERE. AND FINALLY SOURCES SAY BARON TRUMP WILL NOT FOLLOW IN HIS FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS AND WE'LL GO TO SCHOOL SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK. HUNTER BIDEN STILL PLANS ON FOLLOWING IN HIS FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS BY BANGING JAIL -- JILL. LET'S DUE A MONOLOGUE. I DON'T WANT TO GET AHEAD OF MYSELF BECAUSE THE KNOWLEDGE DO IS STARE... BUT WHAT DID -- WHAT IF TRUMP WINS, WHO WOULD HE ASK TO JOIN HIS PIRATE SHIP OF RADICALS? WHAT ABOUT ELON MUSK? THEY MENTIONED THAT MUSK EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN PEEING -- BEING PART OF THE SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. HOW WONDER IF HE AND ELON HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. DO WE HAVE TO CHERISH OUR GENIUSES? >> HE'S GREAT. HE'S TOTALLY UNUSUAL CHARACTER. DO YOU KNOW HIM? HE'S GREAT AND HE'S SMART AND WE HAVE TO CHERISH OUR GENIUSES. WE DON'T HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM RIGHT? [ Laughter ] >> HE'S RIGHT, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GENIUSES. THIS TRUMP MUST COULD MATCH UP IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS WHERE AN OWL BECOMES FRIENDS WITH A LION. I LOVE UNEXPECTED MATCH UPS. LIKE THIS. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: OR THIS. AND THIS. [ Applause ] >> Greg: BUT WOULD TRUMP PUT MUSK IN THE CABINET? >> I'D PUT HIM IN THE CABIN ABSOLUTELY BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW HE COULD DO THAT WITH ALL THE THINGS HE'S GOT GOING. HE CAN SORT OF CONSULT WITH THE COUNTRY AND GIVE YOU SOME VERY GOOD IDEAS. >> Greg: HE COULD OFFER A TON OF GUIDED AS MY GOOD IDEAS PLUS IT WOULD BE FUN TO SEE HOW MANY GOVERNMENT -- GOVERNMENT WORKERS HE GETS PREGNANT. IF YOU DON'T THINK HE'S QUALIFIED REMEMBER HE RUNS ASK AND TESLA AND ROCK ASH MIKE LAUNCHES ROCKETS PURE THE ONLY THING BIDEN IS BEEN KNOWN TO LAUNCH IS AN UNDERWEAR ROCKET AFTER HIS METAMUCIL SMOOTHIE. AND HAVE YOU SEEN BIDEN'S HIRES? LOOKS LIKE THEY SENT A HEADHUNTER TO THE BAR IN STAR WARS. SO WHAT IS SO RADICAL ABOUT A PRESIDENT HAVING SMART PEOPLE IN HIS CABINET? IT WOULD BE A NICE CHANGE FROM THE BIDEN HARRIS WHITE HOUSE WHICH IS LESS A CABINET AND MORE A PADDED CELL. THINK ABOUT IT... IT'S LIKE THEY FOUND THESE PEOPLE UNDER THE ROOMMATES WANTED SECTION OF CRAIGSLIST. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: HE SHOULD TREAT HIS CABINET LIKE OCEAN'S ELEVEN, PUT TOGETHER THE MOST ELITE TEAM OF BRILLIANT MINDS ACROSS MULTIPLE FIELDS. GET THE BEST CEOS OR OTHER GREAT THINKERS INSTEAD OF LIFELONG POLITICIANS. AND MAKE IT THE OPPOSITE OF THE BIDEN CLOWN SHOW WHERE THEY ASK FOR DIVERSITY INSTEAD OF BRILLIANCE AND DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE END RESULT. IT SEEMS LIKE TRUMP IS ALREADY THINKING THAT WAY. TULSI GABBARD AND RFK JUNIOR HAVE JOINED HIS TRANSITION TEAM, THAT'S TWO FORMER DEMOCRATS WORKING FOR TRUMP WHICH IS AKIN TO MAXINE WATERS DURING -- JOINING THE ARYAN BROTHERHOOD. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: WELCOME ABOARD. AND APPARENTLY THE PAIR HAVE SAID THEY CONTRIBUTE TO THE TRUMP LINEUP IN THEIR FIELDS OF EXPERTISE. FOR RFK IT COULD BE CHRONIC DISEASES OR LEGAL REFORM OR HOW TO GET SICK ABS. FOR TULSI WHY NOT FOREIGN-POLICY? BE NICE TO HAVE A SECRETARY OF STATE I CAN BRING US PEACE WITHOUT LEAVING A TRAIL OF UNFORTUNATE SUICIDES. [ Applause ] >> Greg: BUT WHO ELSE COULD TRUMP CHAPTER? HOW ABOUT LARRY KUDLOW AS TREASURY SECRETARY. HE SMARTER THAN JANET YELLIN AND HIS HAIRCUT WASN'T BROUGHT TO YOU BY TUPPERWARE. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: HE COULD BEAT SECRETARY OF STATE, WHAT BETTER WAY TO REFLECT AMERICA THAN OUTSOURCING AN IMPORTANT JOB TO AN INDIAN? [ Laughter ] >> Greg: TYRUS COULD HEAD UP HOMELAND SECURITY. HE'S BIG ENOUGH TO BE THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. [ Cheering and Applause ] >> PART-TIME. >> Greg: CAT COULD BE THE SECRETARY OF INTERIOR BECAUSE IT SHE NEVER LEAVES HER HOUSE. HIS CAREER AS A TRAIN WRECK. [ Laughter ] HOW ABOUT PETE TO HEAD UP VETERANS AFFAIRS. HE WILL UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION WHEN HE'S GOT A -- GOT IT TATTOOED ON HIS ARM. THEN THERE'S ME, WHAT SHOULD I DO? PERHAPS A NEW POSITION FOR SECRETARY OF MUSCLES. [ Laughter ] >> Greg: YOU WON'T GET RIPPED OFF, YOU WILL JUST GET RIPPED. WE ARE TO GOT THE MAKINGS OF THE MOST ANTIESTABLISHMENT PRESIDENCY IN HISTORY SO LET'S START THERE AND THEN CREATE A UNPREDICTABLE AND PERHAPS EVEN ECCENTRIC BAND OF ROGUES WITH SPECIFIC TALENTS. MAKE IT THE PERFECT PIRATE SHIP AND ISN'T THIS HOW THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED? NOT BY ARROGANT INSIDERS AND BUREAUCRATS BUT RENEGADES AND MISCREANTS. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WEREN'T THE ESTABLISHMENT, THEY WERE REBELS, AND EVEN PLAYBOYS. THEY MAKE THE CREW ON OCEAN'S ELEVEN LOOK LIKE THE BRATS FROM CAR FOR KIDS SO WHY NOT MODEL A CABINET AFTER THEM? YOU COULD DO WORSE. WE'VE SEEN WORSE UP CLOSE. BOTTOM-LINE OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WEREN'T PEOPLE WHO GOT A LONG WITH OTHERS. IF THAT WERE TRUE WE WOULD STILL BE SPEAKING ENGLISH. [ Applause ] >> Greg: LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS! LIKE DIETS AND TAXES HE'S USED TO BEING CHEATED ON, COMEDIENNE JAMIE... THIS YOUNG LASS WILL GO FAR WITH A NAME LIKE AN IRISH BAR, KELLY O'GRADY. [ Applause ] >> Greg: WE NEVER THOUGHT A TWIG COULD GET THIS BIG, KAT TIMPF. [ Applause ] >> Greg: HIS IDEA OF A LUNCHBOX IS A RESTAURANT. TYRUS. [ Applause ] >> Greg: YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE DREAM TEAM, YOUR WIFE HAD ONE CONSISTING OF LAWYERS WHEN SHE TOOK EVERYTHING THAT YOU OWNED. WHAT DO YOU SEE TRUMP DOING? >> I'M EXCITED ABOUT HIS CABINET. BIDEN'S CABINET WAS FILLED WITH PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES OF VASELINE RFK, AT THAT PHOTO, ISN'T NORMAL TO BE ABLE TO SEE SOMEONE'S HEART? WHAT DOES THAT GUY DO FOR HEART IN THE GYM? I WOULD LIKE TO DEFEND KAMALA A LITTLE BIT. SHE'S GETTING A LOT OF FLAK FOR BRINGING HER BODY WITH -- TO THE CNN INTERVIEW. IS A POSSIBLE SHE'S USED TO HAVING... EVER SINCE JOE MOVED IN THEY ARE CALLING IT THE WHITE-HOT HOUSE -- THE WHITE HOUSE WITH BROWN SPOTS. >> Greg: KELLY WELCOME TO THE SHOW. THE WHITE HOUSE IS ALREADY CONSIDERED KIND OF RENEGADE, JUST BY HIM BEING THERE. ASSUMING HE WINDS, WHY NOT THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX? >> ABSOLUTELY THAT'S KIND OF WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS KNOWN FOR, PEOPLE LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM. I DON'T LOVE ELON MUSK AS A PICK , ESPECIALLY IF I'M A SHAREHOLDER, EVERY TESLA INVESTOR IS GOING DEAR GOD NO, NOT ANOTHER THING FOR THIS MAN TO ADD TO HIS PLATES. IF YOU OWN TESLA AND YOU WERE WATCHING AT HOME, CELL BECAUSE THAT WOULD GO DOWN THE STOCK. I DON'T LOVE HIM TO BE ADVISING ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE CABINET OR RATHER ADVISING ON THE STUFF AND THEY HAVE A FINANCIAL INTEREST IN A CERTAIN SPACE. I DO LOVE IMAGINING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IN THEIR MEETINGS BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM ARE KNOWN TO BE TALKERS. THEY KNOWN TO BE PASSIONATE AND KNOWN TO GET SIDETRACKED. YOU WOULD NEED SOMEONE TO PULL THEM ALTOGETHER AND. OF THE QUESTION WAS DESK AND LET'S GET BACK. >> Greg: THEY TALKED FOR ALMOST THREE HOURS AND THEY TALKED FOR ONE HOUR ON ONE TOPIC AND IT WAS THEM. [ Laughter ] >> HOW DOES HE BUILD ROCKETS AND THEN HE SMOKES WEED AND DOES PODCASTS FOR THREE HOURS. I HAD ONE SHOW YESTERDAY AND I TOOK TWO NAPS. >> Greg: WOULD YOU EVER WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE? IF THEY ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING WOULD YOU DO IT OR ARE YOU SO ADAMANT AGAINST GOVERNMENT YOU WOULDN'T WORK FOR THEM? >> THE ONLY THING I WOULD DO IS IF THEY LET ME SHUT THINGS DOWN. I THINK THAT ACTUALLY WHAT TRUMP WOULD NEED WOULD BE SOMEBODY LIKE KELLY HERE TO SAY -- YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO SAY I DON'T LOVE THAT, YOU CAN'T HAVE ALL YES PEOPLE AROUND YOU. YOU HAVE TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO CAN BE HONEST WITH YOU. YOU HAVE TO HAVE PEOPLE WHERE YOU SHOW THEM THE OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE PLANNING TO WHERE, THEY SAY WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE. BECAUSE IF YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO AREN'T TOO AFRAID TO DISAGREE WITH YOU THAT DOESN'T MEAN PEOPLE WHO HATE YOU, IT CAN BE PEOPLE YOU TRUST. OTHERWISE PEOPLE, IT'S NOT GOING TO GO WELL FOR YOU. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE REALLY. >> Greg: I'M A HUGE PROPONENT OF YES PEOPLE. RIGHT TYRUS? >> NO. >> Greg: THANK YOU. >> NOT WELCOME. >> Greg: IF TRUMP CALLED YOU UP AND SAID TYRUS I THINK YOU'RE GREAT, YOU ARE AWESOME. I'D LIKE YOU TO BE IN MY CABINET >> I'D LIKE TO DO PRESS SECRETARY PART-TIME I THINK THAT WOULD BE FUN. JUST TO GO AT REPORTERS AND ASSIST ON THINGS LIKE FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS. THERE WILL BE NO NOTEBOOKS BECAUSE THE ONES THAT WE SAW FOR THE LAST THREE AND A HALF YEARS HAD NO ANSWERS SO THERE'S NO POINT IN HAVING IT. [ Applause ] >> THE ONE THING WE WOULD DO IS WE WILL PUSH HARD TO BE MAKE EVERYBODY HAVE TO BE VETTED. GOING BACK TO THIS KAMALA MCDONALD'S ISSUE, SHE CAME FROM A LOVING FAMILY SO I'M SURE THEY HAVE A PICTURE OF HER FIRST DAY AT MCDONALD'S. SO PUT THAT PICTURE UP THERE AND SHOT EVERYBODY UP. I WORKED AT ARBY'S FOR SIX MINUTES. I SHOWED UP 15 MINUTES LATE AND THEY WERE LIKE YOUR LATE AND I SAID THE WATCH IS THE WHITE MAN'S TOOL. [ Laughter ] AND THEN THEY SAID START ON DISHES. THE MANAGER SAID TO ME YOU CAN GO SO. >> Greg: DID YOU SEE I SAW PART OF THE INTERVIEW IT WAS ONLY 18 MINUTES LONG WHERE KAMALA ACTUALLY SAID THAT WE HAVE -- WE HAD DEADLINES THAT WERE BOUND TO TIME AND I'M TRYING TO THINK WHAT OTHER DEADLINES ARE THERE THAT AREN'T DOWN TO TIME? >> WHO IS HER SPEECH WRITER? ALLEN POE? [ Laughter ] >> IT WAS THE WORST DAY. IT WAS THE FIRST DAY. IT WAS THE BEST DAY. >> Greg: SHE LOOKED MISERABLE, BUT ANYWAY IT WAS CNN WHAT YOU EXPECT? , LADIES GIVE KAMALA A GIFT WITHOUT CONSULTING TAYLOR SWIFT