Kat Timpf | The Sage Steele Show

with these super divisive rabidly partisan politics we're losing the humanity that we could be seeing in each [Music] other all right so this I don't give a wait see the good Catholic girl is like wait can I cuss the answer is yes not the camera's on I know I'm like my mom watches everything and Jesus is watching everything too so what's the about but like you're you're so young and you've done so much right at such a young age but like the fact that you're only 35 and you're to the point where you're like I don't care what anyone thinks to me is amazing how well here's the thing I still care but I do it anyway so it's and I'm so I I was raised Catholic I'm the first born I was you know good student all these things but I still get nervous I I'm always going to be myself and I do have a bit of an edge I swear I'm not on people are always going to be mad at me cuz I'm not I'm Republican I'm also not a Democrat but I'm just like if I do it anyway and I realize people sometimes do get mad and then I can still wake up and still do it again then it's like okay they can be mad now that's not to say I don't always worry that people are mad at me like in my personal life because I do and I think that's just who I am you know because I can be a bit of a people pleaser but I just feel like people get mad and then they get over it yeah when it comes to the audience but so definitely more concerned about that personal life versus professionally even though world is watching you professionally yeah I mean both I mean it can be hard but more so personal life I always get like oh are you mad at me are you mad at me I can be Psycho with that a little bit really I can demand so much reassurance in my relationships that it's exhausting for people to be close to me so your husband's a saint he's s he honestly such a saint he's such a patient human being he's such a like a good guy and I dated horrible people okay tell me about the horrible people you've dated so I feel better okay um I mean where do I begin I mean like what's the is there like one nightmare story that you could share there's a guy that I in my um in my new book that's out in September I used to like you available for pre-order now wait this is a sexy cover I yeah it's I I I I don't have reading glasses what what's all what's covering your bodyat mail no yes so this is perfect conversation right now oh wow so the idea is like vulnerability in the face of hatred right even overwhelming hatred and so I because I think that that's I've actually responded to haters sometimes being like that hurt my feelings I'm having a bad day and I didn't like seeing that like I'll DM them and they'll be like I'm so sorry I feel like that's a huge way out of this mess um because we've all been through some stuff and like I open I open up about a lot of my [ __ ] that I've not opened up with in this book including I I had a relationship that was like abusive like abusive dude narcissist um it got really ugly and it it really warped my brain to where I thought everything was my fault and it took like years of therapy to get that out of my head um mid 20s I was in my mid 20s and then I was single for a while but I also dated a lot of just losers like guys without jobs or ambition and I think I told myself like you know if I [ __ ] this up it doesn't matter CU she's a loser anyway but I actually couldn't I never actually reacted that way right the way I would react is like not even this loser wants [Music] me I know where's my wine right never never actually work but it was a lot of therapy and then you know I I cuz I was in a place for my entire 20s when I would not have been open to a secure man like my husband like a secure why because of that because I was because I'd be so worried about messing it up yeah I I I I you get addicted to you know the pizzazz that an untreated mental illness can bring to the relationship you think that that's love where it's the fighting and the Pat and this and this and that you think that that's love and it's it's not it's like an addiction ultimately I would be addicted to the drama of these relationships and then I went through all this therapy I got out of the relationship and then I was I you know my husband I met him and I didn't like him at first and I talk about this in the book too I was like like he's got a job you know he seems like he might calmly work his way through a disagreement instead of having us like blocking and unblocking each other on Instagram like boy cuz you think that would be boring and it actually isn't like it's actually also very fun but I had to get to that point which took a lot of a lot of work and self-awareness of what I was doing and seeing these past relationships for what they really were which isn't love wasn't my fault I'm not unlovable it's like these guys that's all they have is to make me feel bad about myself so that I'll accept these things so you had a good upbringing right yeah so where where do you think that comes from because we like to point a finger and say I am this way I behave this way because of that and maybe there isn't a that but like where do you think that my father loves me we have greate no we have a great relationship you know I think honestly I I haven't so I have been through some tough stuff I think after my so my mom died it'll be 10 it'll be 10 years ago on Election Day actually is a 10 year anniversary yeah so um that had a really hard impact on me like really that really impacted me um she was she had a rare disease it was called cardiac amid dois so it's like you it's so rare so your body starts creating this protein that your liver can't break down so it builds up in your organs so hers was her heart it mimics other things we knew she was sick we don't know why she was diagnosed she died three weeks later oh my God and it was it was horrible old she 57 so super young and she was like good-look in shape ate healthy just walk of the draw kind of thing you know and um that was really hard for me also being the oldest wait you you were close to your mom as well as your dad yeah and I I lived here in New York already and they're all from they're all still in the Detroit area and this Hospital in Boston was the only hospital that even specialized in this so my dad she came to Boston and she ended up dying there but my dad was coming the siblings my brother and sister stayed at home CU she was supposed to come back home and right before she was going to go home she collapsed one of the ICU I was in a position where I was there with my dad you know being very much like a fellow adult in the situation and I was an adult right I was 25 but um you know like in these appointments with my dad and and and that definitely had an impact on me and then part of it is also I think this is just the way that I am like I have ADHD uh I I I've you know struggled with mental health stuff since I was like a little kid I've had anxiety I've been sad for no reason so I just think that's just sometimes people are just touched in the head in certain ways that makes them have to work a little harder or you know like the one siiz fits-all approach of Life of cookie cutter doesn't really work for you and you need to try to like find your own mental what works for you mentally so I'm um I did know about the death of your mother I didn't know why and I think um sometimes I avoid those conversations because I'm so afraid of I don't know like making it you know creating it in my own life and and I sometimes I have this major guilt again Catholic all the CRA firstborn daughters it's like we're just screwed and then I have two brothers and I'm like just a mess but sometimes I have felt guilt for having such a an easy life and of course it's not all been easy but when you compare like I'm 51 I still have both parents there are some health issues but I still have them both and so I think about you like I put myself in the hospital with you after your mom collapsed and I'm like I want to break down right now because I can't imagine what that feels like as a 25-year-old kid really and how are you supposed to process that you're trying to create your own career and and start your own life and be a big girl right yeah and then that comes to a halt as you're dealing with that like do do you are you able to take yourself back into the hospital in those moments oh yeah and do you don't avoid them anymore no I don't and and I mean it was a lot I I got hired at Fox like about 6 months later so it was it was a lot of change um and and I don't avoid them because you can't you have to just go through and you have to for me it always helps to acknowledge like this is how I feel this happened this affect because it's going to affect you either way yeah you can't like pretend it's not affecting you because it definitely I I I that that just kind of prolongs it almost and I feel like it's not linear you know what I mean like it's been so long now but it's like I still have moments where it's like hits you mhm and you get stronger though and you get you develop SK you know skills to be able to kind of deal with it but I don't have a mom anymore now than I did before you know yeah and I and I I wrote about it in this book and also my last book where I think that being open and even using humor has been something that's been very very helpful to me sure because in these conversations especially when I was younger and people who didn't know and before I wrote about it before I like anybody knew who I was is when this was happening and you know people would be like oh like you're dad you're with your dad like how's your mom and and I would get so awkward and now I'll just be like well she not doing much and then like people will laugh and then it'll like think we can move back into a normal conversation again yeah because for a while it was like I would be like oh well she died but like okay and then people then everyone gets like feel terrible for I'm and so now I always say it's okay you didn't kill her and then like stuff like that and then what was the Mother's Day post oh yes I wrote about this so I wrote I did a Mother's Day post the first Mother's Day after she died I was so weird so this is like six months later that one I I just stayed silent didn't do anything went to Cape Cod like was depressed the Mother's Day after I was just like at my apartment and I posted a bottle of my La bottle of tide in my laundry basket and I wrote in the caption I was like Mom's Dad going to do some laundry and people got mad like people reached out to me and were like that's so offense I'm like to who you didn't know her she was funny like she would have thought that was funny you know and and it's helping your mom and it's not your grief it's helping me get through it and I think it's so messed up that people think they're being compassionate but you're actually not like by taking away or talking [ __ ] on someone's coping mechanism like you're actually the jerk here yes I'm not the jerk here you're actually the jerk here and you're not mad about my post you're mad that I made you think about dead moms for a second like that's why you're really mad and you can deal with that but this is how I'm dealing with my stuff and my issues and that helps me because Mother's Day is Like You know it helps me to to to to laugh about these things not because it's funny but because it's so not funny that refusing to talk about it refusing to laugh about it that's what's this is what's so much my first book is about is what gives it even more power than it already has by making it like oh this is Untouchable it's there's it's scary enough and sad enough without giving that additional power you know what I mean were you I mean were you able to say goodbye did you have those moments yes but they're not as beautiful as the movies make them look I no I can't imagine I I never thought they were beautiful I I I I can't imagine the movies make it seem like you're going to have these like I've always thought that they like but like the La by the end end she's like I don't feel good like and I have some ice chips and the hospital is not a pretty place and it's ugly and it's like the fluorescent lighting everyone looks ugly and you know it's like you're crying um I think that we put a lot of pressure I put a lot of pressure on myself uh to do it right and like what does that mean to like do the last days right to do like the last moments correctly and then it I I talked to some friends who had been through it already and they're like there's no such thing right there's a just there's no such thing and it's not it's not like this Bea like people say that like you know sex is overg glamorized in the media I think death is way overg glamorized I mean even if you look at I write like if the Titanic like the like the Lifeboat scene like he would have been like not would they wouldn't have been having that conversation if someone's dying if hypothermia for sure like in all of the movies when the the last moments of someone look a lot more beautiful than what last moments really look like in someone no for sure and especially if it's Mom and then and then she's gone yeah and then you're you just go back to work like yeah and you go back to work and my sister and I had this conversation where we're like we don't know how long the time is where when people text how are you that they mean how are you or like how when do they just mean like how are you like we don't know because if you answer the wrong way cuz if you're like Oh I'm great they're going to be like you sociopath like I meant like with your recent like death of your mom but if they mean like how are you do you want to get dinner and you're like well you know it's still hard then they're going to be like how exhausting are you you know so it's like people don't talk we don't talk about this stuff so so there's no way to talk about it because we don't talk about it and then with you know with my upcoming book I think that this is the stuff on November 5th you know the anniversary of my mom's death all anybody's going to be thinking is important to discuss is obviously which team's going to win the election right and I get that politics are important I understand that they affect our lives but I'm going to be thinking about something else too that's a huge milestone for me 10 years without a mom I mean all these things all these things we talked about as you can see I still remember them very vividly and you know this was 10 years ago and how is this 10 years ago I'm G think about that and I'm not special everyone so many people are going to be dealing with things on November 5th people are going to die on Election Day babies are going to be born on Election Day people are going to get broken up with on Election Day people are going to discover their man's cheating on them on Election Day the life doesn't stop right and I think that we're losing so much by allowing the people who have power over us to divide us yep because it works very well for them if the other side's a monster then like that motivates you to go out and vote but we're really losing a lot in terms of our personal relationships and this real stuff that we're all facing like we are all going to die MH you know we all have these certain things in common we all have these insec every person has their insecurities we're allowing with these this this super divisive rabidly partisan politics we're losing the humanity that we could be seeing in each other to yep um the CW word that's what I call the CW word conversation yeah it's like yeah we don't want to we don't want to do it that's that's literally why I wanted to create this show because I'm so tired of people doing it online and on social media which is not a conversation that's a take and then that somebody's sniping right back at you like it's it's not a conversation and literally to me I feel like when people talk like it's it it softens everything and there's all I always say Okay an opinion is based on what your opinion is based on your experience Y and so if you understood if I understood your experience we might not agree on the topic right I'm going to be empathetic maybe or just more understanding because I understand your why do you think we can get back there because in my lifetime it has never felt like this where you you better watch everything you say yeah and well you've already made the most important choice to get there for yourself which is curiosity and being curious about people and I'm the same way where I'm not just going to think what I've been told to think about a person you know and and and we're we're so much about now okay one thing about a person that you know tells you everything you need to know about him I go through it with I work at Fox News people are like well well that's you know it tells you everything you need to know I'm not even a republican which again many of my friends are I'm not saying like you're a bad if you're a republican that's not what I mean at all it's like people don't even realize there are different viewpoints on the Fox News air there's a lot of people who aren't MAA or who aren't Republican or conservative at all and but I'm but then also you know I'm also not a Democrat either and so it's it's it's but but everybody's different and there's so many people who are we're humans by Nature are just nuanced complex we're all individuals but we've gotten to the point now where it's like okay you hear one thing about a person and you're like well that tells me everything I need to know about that person and I will get called a communist and like a MAA idiot in the same day based on like you know what I mean because I'll said one thing about this issue I'll said well this thing about another issue where it's like now you have you have to be one of the other and you H and it's just not true I feel like very few people really are one or the other exactly but maybe quite often they're afraid to say on certain topics right based on maybe it's their job which is legit and maybe it's family or friends um but actually that is the definition of well to me it's just all about being a freeth thinker yes and on issues right not just say okay this is the Republican I'm going to go right down the ticket yeah and everybody who a republican in every single issue that's where we get in trouble and people are so shortsighted because I think we are much more diverse than we like to even understand well people don't think like it's not even free think it's the thinking that's why how binary thinking divides us is my subhead sorry so good but it's because binary think when you do binary thinking just you pick your team either red or you blue and then you're not thinking anymore because the thinking's done for you already and whatever your side says that's what you I get it it's easier but you can see how crazy things have gotten and I think for sure a lot of it is a direct response to what I write about in this book I mean think about with with Biden and and you know Biden say you know handing over the handing over the reign of comma so many of us can see this right but it took people on many people on the left so long and this is just one example both sides do it but anybody looking objectively at this guy whether you know he's he's he's he's Meandering around yeah he's routinely calling out to dead people yes like is so and so here and the person is dead I mean the debate when he was that is what made people realize it but this had been happening for years the I think the one of the main reasons this happened is because that was a republican thing to say it was it was a right-wing thing to point out hey maybe this dude's not okay look this is not normal and that was like that was a republican thing to say so therefore it got to that point but any actual person I mean when he was talking about having cancer two years ago from the oil on his mom's windshield he said like I have cancer on TV and everybody's like that that should be a huge thing yeah and his press secretary said well he said you know he's been affected by cancer it's like that's not what he said stop that's not that's not what he but but but pushing on that that was that made you MAA and people are like well I'm not manga so people don't even consider so a lot of people were really truly shocked by the debate because they hadn't been seeing these clips of him wandering around they hadn't been seeing these clips of him calling out to dead people cuz you'd have to be watching right-wing media you'd have to be you know and even if you saw it to say it out loud made you rightwing so that's how we get to this point cuz people AR to thinking at all anymore goodranchers.com is the place to get 100% American meat for your summertime needs so whether you're hosting a backyard 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your $100 off plus your free BRS for a year goodranchers.com American Meat delivered mainstream media sucks yeah and at the end end of the day I think that's what almost everybody that I talk to even if it's somebody I don't know that's you know I'll go back and forth rarely just because it will suck everything out of you to go back and forth DMS with random people if I appreciate it I'm like I can't cuz then I'll go dark you know what I mean dark deep get it um but most people just want facts give me the facts and let me decide yeah but where do you go for that like but and you're right about it being a right-wing thing I have been saying this since I left ESPN a year ago um because the first time I was actually allowed to talk I Biden in March April 2021 right after he took office yeah and what I experienced and this is three and a half years ago I was like oh my gosh this is terrible and it I am certainly more on the right definitely conservative for most issues not everything but like I didn't care that he was on the other side I cared about him as a human being yeah and my grandmother had dementia and Alzheimer and I know the suffering of entire family when a loved one has that much less the leader of the Free World where everybody can watch it and I remember so I over the last few years have built up this anger towards Dr Jill and towards the family who allowed it number one shame on you because that's the person that you say you love but number two I don't know 1A like the country deserves better and when you knowingly do this and then mislead as the media as Karine jeanpier now everybody has a boss she had no choice she has to lie her job is to do that to cover yeah but hash lie like that's what both sides do in many different ways but with this issue in particular um I I want your opinion I feel like it's done such damage um to our country and made us more vulnerable like in every way to see this man as sad as it is if you take away the human element to see how vulnerable we are where he can't even think straight no can't like you said he turns and talks to dead people right don't you think this is like bigger than just a sad case with an aging man right and it's even even when they tried to say anybody try to say about it's about age I mean my grandfather has got like 10 years on him and if he was talking to me like that I would be like we got we got to go to the doctor like that's I'm saying like you know what I mean so it wasn't just about he's he's like mentally not there and anybody could see it but it be you know we can't have these conversations we do become more vulnerable and and and and also I don't just mean you know to outside forces I mean to we when we become afraid of each other and each other becomes the enemy then we are going to be more willing to agree to kind of just give up our own rights when it comes to things oh yeah and I mean we have to be cognizant of that and it's just again it works so well for the people in power to be able to shut you up of course it I mean look at the I can't believe honestly it got us I mean and the debate was an absolute just disaster I mean when he got like that I was um talking about this in the Green Room earlier when he got the ab absolute softball of the roie Wade question and he went on about what he's starting talking about being raped by your sister which like what first of all first of all this getting raped by your sister nobody's getting pregnant that way you know like so how is that even relevant a b like like why are you going there this is the easiest question in the world yep especially on the left I mean for I mean it's it's the easiest question in the world to talk about roie Wade like that's the talking point you should have he should you know he should have just been like yep right to choose reproductive freedom and then that's it why are you talking about this and it was that and then obviously that we we killed Medicare or whatever I mean it was completely but like like you said so many of us had been seeing that already but you people E I mean we saw it in Co too right with like the the lab full of viruses this right outside the lab full of viruses that were like this virus is where the virus broke out but like if you said that people got like fired over that oh totally they did get people got fire they did and then you're a right-wing nut job for saying and Trump said it right and Wuhan and I mean obviously the memes of China virus and all that stuff but at the end of the day looking back bat soup like you it had to be bat you can't say I think that maybe this virus came from the lab full of viruses in the same area where we found it to say that but that's only because that made you a you know Nut Job to say that right so you know you but if you you have to be you get to into the team and it's it's the team and the party over principles that you have then you can't get in trouble with you know sometimes CU you're not thinking and and for me I have you know I'm I'm a small government person which puts me at odds with either the left or the right sometimes cuz I'm I'm very very very you know Pro First Amendment which sometimes with some of the stuff on the right puts me at odds with them um recently when it comes to like the Tennessee drag law and this and that if it's a vague law protecting speech or expression I don't care what you tell me it's going to do I don't trust it you because if I always think if it's if the only reason you like a law is that you like what it does and agree with the person who put it in place there's going to be someone else with that same power later who you might not agree with so I'm like very I don't trust you I don't believe you um so it'll it puts me at odds with either the left or the right depending on the issue what do you think is the biggest takeaway then from uh Co and how everybody everybody just fell online I I'm not over it I'm so glad like I'm pissed you know that and this might be sensitive too but hash never forget for 911 we're in New York City 100% And I say never forget what happened with Co and what they knowingly did to all of us I was in New York in my like I didn't have outside you know I'm like in an apartment nothing to do I never drank more in my like I'm not even a big drinker 2020 I had nothing else to do but drink in my apartment like I had nothing else to do and and but and I could go cuz I could go get alcohol but the gym even inside the gym was closed I couldn't go to the gym you couldn't I mean like in California they're filling skate parks with sand insane insane and and and and and trying to mask like two-year-olds no I saw a 2-year-old pull their mask down and like and like put their hand on like the something from this like they had running their hand along the side of a building and then like licking it cuz that's what a 2-year-old does yeah like two-year-olds are gross like they're two you their comfor and not like they're two have you ever met a 2-year-old nothing is being stopped except for you know no emotional development perhaps so much of Life Is Knowing what face to make I mean people getting fired for not getting a vaccine I mean people people's you were what I never said and I got so mad when I saw people in the media saying this was just stay home why you're saying that from your job that you still have yeah exactly like just stay why don't just no big deal just close your business that is how you and your family make a living that a small business the amount of sacrifices you're working 24/7 you have a small business you've poured your heart in Soul into it just close that and no help to to to reopen it I mean in New York and and you have to have been here before and after to really outse it as as I'm sure you've seen so much of what made New York so special was those little small businesses many of which don't exist anymore yeah because they couldn't afford to just indefinitely close yep just close not saying goodbye of people who died you know this and we're just supposed to get over it and nobody's accountable for anything that's the word cat I'm so with you there's zero accountability for any of it from the top down from leadership down I was I began questioning in like May of 20120 when I started to learn because again we have to do our homework you have tell educate yourself they don't want you to know anything but when I think I think it was a doctor on Rogan of course who was talking about what was actually happening in hospitals where if you come and you unfortunately have been you know your skull's been crushed in a car accident but you had Co it's what it's a covid death because they were getting $40,000 per patient if you name it a covid death so once you realize that there's money associated with every little thing every little time you go and you got your vaccine or your booster shot CVS Walgreens is getting 40 bucks per shot so like the politic politicization politization yes don't know why I even try that word politization of all that made me go wait wait wait wait wait and then living in Connecticut Northeast same thing I had three teenagers they were 13 15 and 17 Devastation shut down and to your point about drinking more yeah um no one is better off after being shut in that is not uh how we were made no to be completely cut off from society and socialization and then you know my kids school it's a very nice area and then we have kids that are busting from Hartford who that was their only that was their only everything so I get one of the only things I get really pissed about to because it it to me call me a conspiracy theorist 100% I I absolutely think that so much of this was intentional I just I'm not over the fact I feel like it doesn't even matter what you think about like how it happened or this and that the fact that it did in terms of the rules that they put in place we literally it was illegal to open a rest like be in have a restaurant or a gym you couldn't decide to take that risk for yourself and the fact that they could do that and it's not scary to people is something that I really don't understand look at the First Responders look at so many people here who were fired for not taking it I took it to keep my job I was forced to to keep my job and I was devastated to have to do it as a I had I had no choice either yeah in New York we had no choice had nooice you had to just do it but I but then I said something about it even though I complied and that's what got me in trouble like you did get in trouble I remember that yeah and at the end of the day again freedom of speech right because if I had said you know what you antivaxer you're a piece of [ __ ] then I would have been celebrated for that right so it depends on on what your opinion is to me I think um based on how we all were sheep and fell in line because we had bills to pay and a family to support whatever the reasoning was that we gave in if we didn't want to do it uh what happens next time because unfortunately uh I believe the bad people saw how easily we got sucked in and so if there is another time like what does that look like like for us yeah I mean I I I would people even I think some people liked it I think there was never an easier time to be like a good person like you could be like a good person just cuz you're sitting at home watching TV all day yeah you're like I'm so much better than you who wants to open your business back up just by sitting at home and I think that that sanctimoniousness people get high on that and it was never easier than you know to to be like I'm better than you because I'm at home I think that that was part of it I think being you know afraid to question things was part of it I mean the fact that there's been I mean Anthony fouchy like he just admits like he Z was arbitrary makes like six foot yeah six arbitrary you this people really had real impacts people still have real impacts on their life because the suicide rates yeah I mean skyrocketed you talk about being so concerned about the black community and young people in the black community the suicide rat sky rocketed completely you look at the um the learning for younger kids and something so simple is when you have masks on um I didn't realize how much of a lip reader I was until I couldn't see people's lips you know and for little kids especially learning to speak and in like they're two years behind you know what I mean my daughter didn't get her prom like things that are I was when you said 17 I was like that's a big year oh my gosh things that you don't get back to really walk at your graduation you know yeah that are such a big deal right when you're team the rights of Passage but you're a murderer for thinking that like it wasn't just like I disagree with you it was like you are you don't give a [ __ ] about vulnerable people and you're a murderer and like you killed my grandma and it's like can we it's you can't what can you say then you you can't really say anything that's why you that's why people L that's why people L up so what so if if there were God forbid something like this again what happens differently in New York City cuz I know there's a lot of people here who think like you yeah how do people hand how do you think it would be different I hope it would be because I remember my dumbass like I thought the I also thought The vaccine would work I was like I'm not going to get Co I've had Co like four times that I know of you know what I mean I probably like I'm not testing every single day because some of the times I didn't have symptoms and I found out because I like test you know tested positive at work and they're like cat you got to go home you know what I mean and then I had people filling in for me who were sick but testing negative and then later tested positive whole thing and it was like the whole thing it was like all these things put in place by whoever who doesn't the experts who you ever did the driveth through no swabs M I did I did I never did those drive through drive and then they were like bitter mean people because of that's what their job was and they sh like I cried a couple times because I'm like okay you just touched my brain with that oh those were painful the the pcrs were definitely being and that's what I think I get this this this feeling inside where I'm like don't ever ever do that to me and the bigger issue is that the trust now is gone like I was one of those people who trusted I trusted doctors I trusted the medical profession I trusted my bosses I trusted my leadership it's all gone and I think that's something that is an intangible effect that trickles into every aspect I think it does for me and I think that it should i' I've never really had a lot of trust in the systems and and this really honestly made it a lot worse I mean there's also people didn't go get seek medical treatment for other you know like Co wasn't the only thing that could kill you or you get sick from I mean the list goes on and on and on and I think people people shouldn't forget that that's why it's like if I disagree with someone on something I'm never like you're crazy for thinking that because it's like what what are you crazy for thinking at this point you know what I mean like feel free to think whatever you want as long as we can respect each other that's really what it comes down to for me it's just but but it's okay to question it does it mean that you're anti- this or that it's just to be educated and you know not just for yourself for your kids for your loved ones for whomever and what I did find though by questioning and by bringing things up um I had so many people who were quietly like thank you yes but am I right and I I'm like I get the fear I'm an example of why there's fear like I'm perfect example like just stay quiet because you'll get canceled um but then you're like wait I woke up the next day yep I'm still here and that's what I hope is that people can see you know many of us with loud mouths and just be like okay it is scary and you might get fired I wasn't fired but I changed the trajectory of my career I up flying a lawsuit and it was ugly right but um there are costs certainly and risks to um standing up to saying what you feel what you believe and you know what's so messed up is I think every single human being out there has someone in their family maybe it's an extended family maybe it's a friend who is like the cookie aunt and uncle right who like who who but you love them anyway you know or they have someone in their life who's made a mistake sure who's gotten in trouble for doing something you know and they're like oh but they're doing better now and you love them it's for whatever reason impossible to see that the people we see in headlines are also people with like families and lives and I and I think it's so interesting that there's never been more you know lip service done to like mental health right like mental health like your mental health is important and and you know it's like whenever you know anything H they'll be like well wareness Graphics of like reach out if you ever need help completely ignoring the fact that you know as someone who's struggled with at times in my life mental health issues speaking for myself and for many people uh who I have told me they agree with me when I've said this when you are going through a mental health crisis you're the last person anyone wants to be around when you're depressed when you're going through like I don't know how people could stand me enough to be there for me right and it's it doesn't look pretty like the awareness Graphics when you're going through something you're it looks ugly it looks like a lot of the stuff in the headlines that we see people you judge them for and with all the lip service we pay to mental health we have never been less forgiving of one another and we have never been less understanding of someone saying I [ __ ] up I am sorry I have taken these steps I have learned this I was going through this I made this mistake or you it's like okay you said this you did this you're done right but it that affects so much more than just the person they're um actually anybody who may have said something similar done something similar they think like oh my like Could That Be Me could all these comments apply to me and I um I WR about this in my new book actually there are people there's been this manifestation among you know some mental health professionals of OCD related to fear of being cancell and it makes sense it totally makesense because you see this happening and everybody's made a mistake so it's I feel like we'd be a lot better off if we could say and and and this doesn't there there should be accountability if you say something wrong if you do something wrong there should be accountability but it should be accountability for your actions and not accountability for your being like you should be allowed to I think there's such a difference between actions your words yeah and and your actual worth as a human being who's allowed to exist in society those should be you can be held accountable for your actions and for what you said you shouldn't have to like be accountable for like why you still are alive in in society that's such a different thing and we we all know how to do that in our personal lives yeah we all know how to do with our family and friends we don't somehow for whatever reason know how to do that in part of the larger conversation I think that's part of the reason why people are so miserable no I I totally agree I think Grace is a big word for me these days and and um again just understanding that everybody's opinions come from what they've been through and we don't know what they've been through despite what it looks like on social media and so just to have that Grace and sometimes I'll get mad right like you know if someone's really rude and cuts you off in the grocery store or something it's like I want to say something and sometimes I'm like excuse me yeah no problem you know I'll have my sarcast whatever other times it's like maybe there's a huge reason why they're rushing which is never I always say to my kids too um bad behavior there's never an excuse but there might be a reason yeah I mean even what they're going through I wrote about this actually when I talked about mental health in the new book this was last summer I was very briefly on Accutane and like I guess the research is mixed on whether it makes you want to kill yourself or not but it did make me want to kill myself it actually so for skin yes I had I get like cysts Under the Skin and I I still kind of do but I I was supposed to be on it for a little bit take care of the issue it made me so depressed it made and again research is mixed but this was my experience I was so depressed there was the final straw was I was on the floor in the bathroom sobbing my husband about how I was every everyone was going to die in my life and I was going to die too which is always been true but never like elicited that kind of reaction from me where he was like we're not we're done with this we're not and so but for that time and for the month where it was working its way out of my system I wasn't myself and when I was on the show people kind of noticed that and I was getting messages from people that were like if you think you're too good for the show just leave like if you think you don't want to be there just leave because I guess I didn't look like I was having fun for that time as much as I usually do I I I was it showed in my work I guess like I was really I've always struggled with depression and anxiety this was another level I mean I was just miserable had there been any warnings there but yes there are and and they say research is mixed on it I also know a lot of people who it worked great for so I guess it just depends on the individual for me worst drug to do I I could do any drug that would probably be better than Accutane for me but people were I I finally I got a DM from a woman that was like you know I used to like you until like that's the name of I used to like you until the past couple months you did it over the past month you I was like and I was like Hey so just I don't know why I'm responding to you but like I was on acutane it's working with on my system and like I want to die all the time so that's why I don't look like I'm having a good time and then they're like oh man I'm so sorry right but you don't know like but what you were seeing is me looking like I was too good for the show it was actually me feeling like the Earth was too good for me right I was miserable and I it's it worked its way on my system I still have like my Baseline level of anxiety and depression and ADHD that I deal with but I'm not in that dark dark place that was just one of like I'm not the only person that's ever gone through something like that right but people are so willing to assign the least charitable interpretation of what they see yes and it's like no no no no no I'm I I hate myself more than you hate me trust me like right now I'm going through this thing and if we could just like you said I don't know why this person is do doing this or maybe this and and that's not to say that there's never a reason to like write a person off there there are reasons but to just so willingly assign the least charitable interpretation when you have no idea is just tearing us apart so much so unnecessarily absolutely and just to to remember the human whether it's with you on Gutfeld or on any with Joe Biden to know that the human side of it not any other part of it um you know it's it's you've been through a lot yeah and um you know yes I you laugh I laugh but it's it is funny like it's the amount of like the fact that I had the ostomy bag like who does that happen to under the age of 80 right so this is yes and that like explain that to people first of all when when you said it and I've heard you talk about it before I'm like what is that um so I want to know exactly what the illness was and then the effects from it because it almost killed you it almost killed me yeah this was in 2020 I had a bowel perforation I probably was from like a colonoscopy where something got nicked it can be caused by a number of things it's like very very rare for this to happen it's like 0.00001% of people that's somebody and it was me I have like no underlying issues thankfully I had really really bad stomach pain I went to the ER my husband was like you're crazy and I am a bit of a hypochondriac and I am dramatic so like I'm dramatic as [ __ ] so like he had like like he has like like he has a point right but he felt really bad when they were like well like sh I was like I'm dying I told him I was like I'm dying because when I had this CT scan I I I had a trouble standing but or when I had the X-ray I had trouble standing but when I got time for the CT scan I couldn't roll myself on the table I was like I didn't know why but I was like I'm rapidly deteriorating I'm dying and he was like what do you want for lunch when we get home like stop which like I get it cuz like I am that I am that girl or I'm like like I am very dramatic you know um I'm a performer what can I say but I was right like they were like you you need an iloom emergency ostomy I know what that was it's a [ __ ] bag so it's a [ __ ] bag and what I didn't realize so they immediately wielded me into surgery cuz like if you have a hole in your colon that se like fecal matters in your blood bloodstream like you become septic you die um it's I came so close to dying I didn't realize so after I got out of surgery cuz I like hadn't even Googled it it's just your small intestine out of your stomach with a bag over it Wait So when you say it came close to dying so it it was seeping into your system M and so they went in for surgery like could they could tell that obviously right before to say we got it yeah yeah so they had to yeah so like what they do is they pull your small intestine out trigger warning this is disgusting if anybody's eating any food watching this they pull your small intestine out of a hole in your stomach so that it bypasses the colon the waist bypasses the large intestine I learned a lot about biology by having it happening right in front of me um and I had they have a bag you have a bag around it so it just all comes out your small intestine and it's like liquid it's not like really poop but like I didn't want to tell anybody either and I told pretty much no one that I was doing going through this because there's like no chill way to have a conversation so a lot of people at Fox found out when my first book came out that this had even happened to me but it so from the surgery to when you back went back to work was I well I went back no a week a week I went I went back with a poop bag I went to work why did you go back to work so fast though I mean I that's a major surgery yeah it was a major surgery I was after the first surgery was about a week and then the second surgery was about two weeks cuz putting it back in was I had some complications um and but but I went back because it was good to have my mind on something else I guess um I get that Greg knew he knew I told him I mean uh Tyrus knew they knew but like all the guests on the show didn't know you know hair and makeup didn't know a lot of people didn't know um but it it was it really brought me closer to my husband as well he still had sex with me which with the bag with the bag which I was like we were engaged not married so I was like this is wait where where exactly so there was a belt to like hold it in place it would be like right here he was like still attracted to me and I was like that's why love him yeah I know me too but also if like anybody on the Internet calls me ugly I'm like okay somebody had sex with me when I had a poop tube so I can't be that ugly you're ridiculous I can't be that ugly truly okay maybe for 10 years into your marriage not as much but you were still engaged so of course right but I was like I'm making the right call I'm like because it was really gross like it was like it was really really gross and and but you just get through and again I had to laugh about it had to make jokes about it of course are there any lingering effects no I mean I have a big scar but I think like you know it's fine you know like who cares I mean so when did you come to the realization as to how close it was that it almost killed you when I was in the hospital and I started like researching a little bit after after they've cut you up and you're like oh this is what I thought it was going to be like a valve I thought there was going to be like a device that I like I didn't know I mean who knows about this stuff so I I didn't realize myy you think that that's how it's happened I think but there's really no way to know like it's just I was this the the the the small like minuscule percentage of things that happen just like my mom's rare illness was super rare it's like rare stuff happens to somebody and that's worsens me a lot but I've also been so lucky I mean I've also been I've been so unlucky but I've also been so lucky I mean when I was in college everyone's like what do you want to when you grow up like out after college like I want to work with Greg Gutfeld and now I do you actually said that yes I do why why because I loved Redeye I was one of those I I when I back when I was a cashier at Boston Market and I was like you know living with my college boyfriend in LA and I was an intern at Fox News we'd watch it at his brother's house and I'd be like I'd be so good on that show his brother would be like you're a cashier at Boston Market like good good luck quarter dark chicken exactly so I mean I didn't know that that was a very specific goal was for me to be on red eye and then you know within a couple years I'm like the you know on his new show so I've been very unlucky but I've also been very lucky like I just whenever a lot of times when I hear statistics I'm like okay but you don't understand like they don't apply to me yeah like I no statistic of like but this percentage will be okay after both but also you know do you know how hard this is to do that also doesn't I'm like I can watch me you know so I I it's made me very pessimistic and also very optimistic the fact that my life has just defied what odds are supposed to be terms of success but also in terms of you know operations yeah like and medical abnormalities yeah exactly exactly so you were how old when you got on gutfield um so I was 26 I was just turned 26 this is literally a couple years after you said that yeah yeah I gotten on rning for the first time when I was like 24 how'd you do it like I know it's it's a long story one thing leads to another but at the end of the day to to do it at that level at that age does not happen to find the odds no it doesn't happen and and and I mean I I I just I kind of just created my own opportunities I mean I started work I would go do man on the street videos yeah that's right I I made some of them nobody saw and like were were terrible like do it and if it's bad it's fine like I have stuff out there that's bad that I've done and it's like not like not good right like watch this isn't good but I have stuff that's turned out great I had this video where I went to a feminist conference and was asking people what being a feminist meant to them and it was the my ex-boyfriend was a dude with a camera filming this like my ex-boyfriend's friend you know it was like very lowbudget operation but people started physically blocking me cuz I found I worked at like campus reform and I also do consider myself a feminist I'm a salt and Peppa Fe feminist you know like the Empower of like you can't say get mad at me for who I sleep with and like women can like look at what we can do and calling out sexism but not being defined by it so I say I'm a salt and pepper feminist that's what I'm just that's like how I describe myself but um so I can you can you define a woman see the thing is the way the way that that question was answered right about that my first book that is based on the two teams too and that's based on being afraid that's based on because that's the dumbest answer ever she could have said a woman is a person with these chromosomes but also there's people who identify as women who were not born that way and gender and sex are different they could have said that but just like I'm not a biologist because that because she's not an idiot you don't get to that hearing cuz you're an idiot she heard like in her head like approaching like trans stuff like alarm Bells like going to get cancelled like have you ever seen that video of Rihanna that's on in like what she's talking about her like underwear line and she's like trying so hard and she's like and it's for all like gender identities and the pronouns and like people like cuz you can't and it's and people it's that that's how that happens it's people just being afraid so afraid of getting cancelled that you can't just have those conversations you can say and there's also people who yeah say that but she like I can't like I'm not touching that like that's that's that's that's too crazy right but yeah so that that video went viral on Fox obviously that went viral and then Greg was I was on like gret of an sestrin show that's how long ago this was and he was like she looks weird he was like let's have her on red ey she just like looks weird such a compliment that's what he said to the producer sounds like something he would say to the producer and then like had me on and the rest is we just hit it off the rest is history and I pretended to be confident I was like cuz I'd seen the show I was so nervous I plus you know that you're like the kid on the set oh I was also I was living in like this horrible apartment in Harlem like horrible like we had like verman issues like bad tra you know horrible like uh uh like what like around like my subway stop was 125th in Lex so like that's you know non- New Yorkers that means what that means like so even the lit song about heroin up to Lexington 125 feel sick and dirty more dead than alive like those are my neighbors that's my hood so wow was like this is so important I was like this is like the T but I didn't act like that I like threw up before cuz I was so nervous but then I walked in and like I you just able to flip that I pretended to be confident you know which hey that's that's half the game yes that how many times have I done that yeah pretty much my whole career because there's always going to be doubts that's because you care you care about about the job that you're doing for yourself for others and especially when we're younger like what others think too but this is so fascinating to me Because by the Hillsdale College yeah like of all colleges few to go to a super conservative I know Christian Catholic like so it wasn't Christian when I went there it is now and um I'm not religious I wish I were but I'm not well what do you mean you wish you were but you you could choose to be I can't what do you mean I don't so I'm totally agnostic I'm not an atheist but I'm almost not religious I just don't know I don't know I could see there being something else or greater I don't know what that is I can't even parallel park like how am I supposed to know the answers to all the mysteries of the Universe I think I would be happier if I thought there was like something after this for sure and that I wasn't just going to keep getting like older and older until I'm like eventually so ugly and decrepit and unfuckable and then I die your husband consider that's true that's true he sounds like he always will that's true but you know so I I think I so I don't I I don't judge religious people I actually admire it I think it's like I totally you're lucky I think if you're religious don't you think that's a choice like not for me so but knowing you knowing how much homework you do I mean you could research a whole bunch of stuff and find maybe you find something that you are on board with that that would make not make you but make you want to yeah no yeah and I just haven't gotten there you know and I but I don't rule it out for my future interesting like the door is very much open um I don't rule it out because there's things where it's like it could just as easily be you know there's thing I mean there's this one moment um where so my mom was very Catholic she was very Catholic she's also she's also very cool and like very funny and like really grass she's a great example of a person like can't put into a box right so she was so Catholic that was a huge point of cont contention in our relationship and I read about this again in the next book which again it's like because what greater binary is there but like have in hell like religion is a lot of binaries right and um I I know that like a lot of people who aren't religious like me wouldn't be able to say this but I understand why that was such a big deal for her yes because you know I watched her dying and she was like cool with it because she was like I'm I got to see you know but I so after she died the pope was in New York a couple months after she died and I was like I got to go like she'd be so mad if I didn't go so like some one some one of my National Review colleagues I don't know if it's like tickets to see the Pope I don't know I don't know how it goes yeah but um it was like the mass inv me I sent an email out and she's like do you want to come to the mass and so I went and I cried in like a way I've never cried before when I was there where it was just like I wasn't even really crying just there was just Tears like coming down my face like so many it was so intoxicating of a cry it was so cathartic of a cry so I've thought of like was she there with me but also it could be just so easily explained by her never being able to be there again with me I don't know how people so confidently say they feel dead loved ones all the time or they just confident in saying they do that door is very much open for me and I do read about it and I and I do hope to have these answers at some point cuz I just I just don't and and and um it is it like I'd be way happier if I did are you really are you like like you are religious I am and I grew up Catholic and still practicing but don't feel that I have to go to church every Sunday which is controversial right I I want no I did Growing Up but now you know um I have an incredible PRI PR who literally gives the the I mean he's so good you know he is a former um lobbyist on Capitol Hill actually and so he's he's a true orator who speaks and brings you in and people of all ages kids old people you name it um and he also will text me an article on something he's like so proud of you this is BS I'm like you're the kind of priest that I like like he's encouraged me to be to be me I'm divorced that I thought was going to for sure send me to hell right I the Catholic church I grew up in was like very like and brimstone yes absolutely and so there's so much judgment that goes along with it judging myself so it's been a real process but I kind of refuse to be put in a box with that too I will say my faith has oh saved me over the last four or five years from you know work stuff to the decision to leave my marriage and a whole bunch of things that are freaking painful and don't just affect me I have three kids right uh it certainly affects how people think of you so um I have I'll say this I've never felt God more than I have in the last I'd say8 to 10 years um where I was looking but not like digging had the core belief but it never like really asked to go deep and when I did I I I wasn't quite prepared like I felt it in ways that we will discuss over wine sometimes it's a long story but it's amazing and I also think as a mother um I did want my kids kids and my ex-husband as well we really on the same page with most things and with this it's like we want to present them and introduce them to this and yes you're going to go to CCD to Sunday school you know you're going to do all those things and you're going to get confirmed and all that because when you're 12 or 13 like you make your own decision well do you do you even have that true ability at that point kind of I'm going to put you through what I believe what we believe and from there I will respect your decisions and they're all on this journey right now one and a half of them of the three really kind of believe and then the other's like well I don't know why would God let this happen or that happen but I have moments cat where I literally Indescribable like what you hear people talk about like white light yeah I I can't um it's another level so but I also have a couple friends who are atheist complete atheist like atheist Jewish like all of it and I love them because of of those experiences you know but I think I would be dead right now without it yeah I mean I'm so tempted to like purposely and this is this is how you know I was raised Catholic is like I don't know if I believe in God but I'm like still scared of demons okay yeah there's something there girl yes you know I'm like what if I purposely put myself in like a haunted house yes and then like see something SC then I'll be like there's something Supernatural but that's again not normal like that's not normal you you tend to go all in don't you okay well where do you think your mom is I don't know I have no idea I have no idea I can she believed that she was going to heaven a th% she said when she was like the priest came for her last rights and she was like I'm not honestly I'm going to heaven she was like but I'm worried about them she pointed to me my brother my sister my dad and she was like I want you to do their confessions and he was like we don't really do that and she was like I see an open office right over there and he did she made him do it I love her no she was yeah she like I said like she was very like social rules did not apply to this woman like we actually did he did it like I'm sure he's never been asked that before since but he she made heard all of our confessions and I did I told told him I'm like I don't really believe this anymore but like what have I done everything I've done yeah you know I've done a lot of things against that I'm not supposed to do in the past however many years since I've been here and I did it well and by the way as a practicing Catholic I don't do confession so go ahead shoot me I don't I I it makes me very uncomfortable I'm like it made me too uncomfortable I guess that's normal it's not a reason to not do it I just I talked to my priest about a lot of things and I talked to God all day long so I don't know that I need and again controversial I don't know that I need that human that person to say is that's what I've done because guess who already knows to me I feel like God already knows and I have asked for forgiveness and admitted fault and asked for protection and help for me and those I love and the world you know like I I don't know and I know it's quote unquote wrong but I don't care this is part of what that's so interesting to me no it really is that's so of like confession am I a rebel that is by definition you are a rebel by definition you see the rebel in me you are no you are of course but I also feel like like it it took me years I am revealing way too much but years and years I can have that effect on people sometimes can you [ __ ] I feel like I am too though to be fair you do also have that effect on people okay good yes I mean which is never the goal it's just when you when you can have the SE word when you can have a conversation stuff comes out and like you sharing makes me look deeper into myself as well but I and this isn't from the Catholic church this is from a non-denominational Christian Youth Group I went to my senior year of high school and my first year of college um that had nothing to do with my parents it was just I had some friends where I had just moved and they were like come great but it was very much like um no sex before marriage none and if you do good luck yeah and so for me I married my first boyfriend I know when you talk about um not dating a lot you're like oh good lord that's why now at 51 I don't know how to date and I'm like like what do I do I'll take any suggestions you can give me because I don't know how to because I was with this person and a wonderful man from 20 to 47 wow but to forgive myself forgive myself for not waiting till I was married even though it was the person I married wow I literally it took a decade no I struggled with that too to forgive myself I was still Catholic and that you know like had sex with my high school boyfriend that I was with forever and I was like I'm going I'm going to hell you so you did I'm going I'm going to hell I was like why can't I stop doing this when I know I'm when I know I'm going to hell like you know what I mean and then I would go and tell the priest I had sex with my boyfriend oh you told the priest oh yeah what would he say he'd like tell me to say some hail marries or whatever and I just like you know what I mean but I'm like 17 years old you know what I mean I like and eventually how did you get over cuz you forgiven yourself I eventually stopped being Catholic I eventually stopped being religious and it wasn't because of that but um I I had always had like questions and stuff and I was like you know I don't know that I should be going to Eternal damnation cuz I went to like this very strict Catholic Church like you have sex for married like that's you're in hell like if you don't go to confession um like let's say like you you you have sex with your boyfriend and then you're driving a confession you get hit by a car it doesn't matter you're going to because you died before that's what I was taught so I was like I don't know that this like that I should that me having sex with my boyfriend who I love means I should have to suffer an interal internal damnation yes but then but then there is the battle between okay I know it's wrong and I've asked for forgiveness but I'm gonna go do it again I'm G ask for more forgiveness it's like okay how many times do you ask for forgiveness before it's like no she really doesn't mean it now you're not going to be forgiven like those are the things that go through your mind right right th% and then I eventually just kind of that led me to not believe because I just thought like you know I feel like I'm still like like I don't deserve that for what I did yeah like I feel like the punishment doesn't fit doing something very normal actually yeah haven't murdered anybody here I haven't killed anybody not yet I mean that might come at some point no I I don't have it in me I have too much anxiety I like do you want kids yeah I do you do yeah yeah have you are you trying are you soon I think we will yeah yeah so then what about the faith aspect when as a mother with children so we were both raised Catholic we're both no longer Catholic and it's like an open conversation like he's more wants them to and again like I will I have some TR like you know I was raised with a very strict Catholic so I have some Trauma from that as we just discussed you know so I'm like no but also you know I may he wants he thinks it's good relig is good for kids and I I can see where he's coming from there too so I think you don't think it's good I think that the things that can be good I think in theory it wasn't good for me in certain ways certain things that I went through wasn't good for me to think I was bad doing normal stuff normally especially like the sexual stuff you know like that's normal and being like you're going to I you're going to hell forever like you know that wasn't good I actually think because you you've seen it all you'll be a great mom in that way because you know what it's like to have some trauma you also know the good you know the effect it had on your mother like you you see it everywhere but because you know what not to do like to higher levels you know what I mean there's no book for this right but it's like to shame your daughter you know in like you right so I actually feel like you're going to be really good thank you I mean it's yeah like definitely in the works you know we want to have kids and it's like it's so weird to be thinking about having kids and being a mom when I don't like remember what it's like to have one anymore you know like wait I don't I know that's like sad but and it doesn't mean I don't remember her but the version of myself that had a mom is like I don't remember like her you know what I mean like I don't remember what it's like to like call my mom you know that's kind of like and I have so many women in my life that are older than me that I can talk to about stuff that have you know what I mean it's not like I don't have you know these people to reach out to but it is very strange to me and a little disorienting to not be like you know hey like how was this when you were pregnant with me but you know like whenever I do get pregnant what's crazy is like if you're born with every egg that you ever have that means that whatever egg becomes a child will have been in my mom exactly that's crazy exactly which is which is made which like that's the part things like that that take me back to God yeah you know because to me it's like it just didn't we didn't just appear and we you know magically all those end I understand why people feel that like I get I get it I don't I don't I but like how beautiful that your mom will always continue yeah in that way you know do you worry about those emotions when you do have a maybe and you know she's not there by your side of course I do of course I do but I mean I've been through the ringer emotionally so it's like I'll figure it out you will and I have a great my husband is like just like the best dude I've ever met so and is his family you're close to his family yeah they're great too yeah so and and my family I'm close with and my dad I have like the best dad I'm like really lucky to have such a great Dad we're very close um did he remarry no he's had he has a long-term girlfriend though and like thank God I mean like I'm very happy for him you are and you like her I like her we have a relationship too I mean we have a relationship too when you first started dating her it was so cute he like didn't want to like say he was datings but like I wanted like they were that's so young you know I knew that my dad was gonna I don't want my dad to be alone at 57 be alone the rest of his life he's so much life ahead of him you know so when he started dating her he was like oh you know the lady I ride bikes with I was like Dad like Dad all I'm not in kindergarten flowers right exactly I'm like Dad like stop it because at first when my mom died he was coming to visit me New York a lot coming out with me and my friends I was like Dad I need to like meet a man like I need to have my own life too you know it was like I wanted him to have that companionship and think she's great I mean imagine if my dad like started dating someone younger than me and like okay that could be a thing who was horrible like who was like mean like that would you know what I mean like yeah she's wonderful I have my own relationship talk one-onone all the time so thank God for that honestly yeah um so I'm picturing mom up here smiling down on you just my belief I'm like oh she's she's coming through you in so many ways and so she has witnessed in person and then after right um the Vermin in your apartment yeah she saw the ver in New York did she see you sleeping on your yoga mat out in La like with no money yesh so she she witnessed all of that and then you got hired at Fox 6 months later you met your husband when um so I met my husband in 2019 we started do it so 5 years ago pretty recently yeah um you're an author of now two books two books how many shows you on at a time right now well just one but I mean I'm got F every day but then it's also like depends on the week right sporadically I'm on other shows all the time so I mean you did barol you've you've done so much in such a short time like what would she be saying to you right now yeah I know I think about that a lot like she you know cuz she just missed like she saw me like be a t guess on TV a few times you know she saw it started start to work she just missed you know she wasn't here for all that I think she definitely would be very proud of me I know she would be proud of me because she saw how hard I worked and everything I went through and um I went through all these things fully not knowing that this would work you know I'm moving to New York and trying to get on Fox and trying to get on TV and trying to be a writer a lot of people try to do that you know yeah yeah not many people say I'm going to be on Gutfeld and actually do it yeah and then next thing you know I'm working for the guy so with him on the show yeah with right I mean you're the co-host like it's I look at that and knowing the industry so well just through my journey of almost 30 years now like it's insane what you've been able to do and I hope that um through all of your all the things right and ups and downs emotionally and mental health and um like that you can kind of pat yourself on the back every once in a while like you freaking it like and it's amazing and you make people laugh like crack up um smile think like in in so many ways because you have been really vulnerable and that's what you know conversation the c word and the b word like vulnerability and when you're able to do that it's not even able I think everybody's able are you willing and it's scary now I have to go I'm going to go rethink my um lack of going to confession things to you no don't reink it no it is what it is and at the end of the day like we're all on this journey and when we're done here you can give me tips because I've been trying to write a book for like four years and I keep running away it's hard I keep running away from it it's you got to lean into it well and I'm vulnerable it's just like it makes my brain hurt yeah it does that's normal okay love you thank you too thank you so much