Jokes Seth Can't Tell: Surge in Black Farmers, Abraham Lincoln Gay Rumor

Published: Sep 11, 2024 Duration: 00:04:25 Category: People & Blogs

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-Guys, we are moving on. Here at "Late Night," every night I deliver a monologue made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to deliver, but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them, so we'd like to share them with you now in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell." These are two of my writers, Amber and Jenny. -I'm Black. -And I'm gay. -And we're both women. -And I'm not. So here's how this works. I'll read the setups to these jokes, and Amber and Jenny will read the punchlines. So here we go. According to a recent census, gay men tend to gravitate to big cities. -While lesbians tend to gravitate to the sale rack at L.L.Bean. -A Black Trump supporter is suing a Republican group after claiming they called him a slave. -Buddy, I got news. That's the nicest thing they called you. -What's the worst thing they called him? -The other Black guy's name. -During a recent game, Boston Red Sox player Jarren Duran called a fan a gay slur. -Who does he think he is? The Pope? -Jenny, do you think that happens a lot at Fenway Park? -Uh, is the Pope Catholic? And also homophobic? -According to the Department of Agriculture, there's been a surge in the country's number of Black farmers. -And this time, it's by choice. -Amber! -Hey. You think there's a lot of Black farmers now? You should have seen the 1700s. -Amber! -But the songs were fun. -A dog shelter in Las Vegas is overcrowded with 465 dogs. -I'm sorry. I'm hearing that's just some lesbian's house. -Okay, now -- Now, Jenny, do you have a pet? -No. I'm allergic to dogs and cats, so I can't date a woman who has either. And that's why I shall remain single forever. [ Laughter ] Sad because it's real. -[ Laughing ] -The Virginia African-American Cultural Center is launching the second season of their podcast about Black neighborhoods. -"That's my favorite podcast," said gentrifiers. -A new documentary explores the rumor that Abraham Lincoln was gay. -It's called "Gay-braham Lincoln." -Now, Jenny, do you really think Abraham Lincoln was gay? -I will say this. He definitely had a beard. -Ah. According to a new poll, 83% of Democrats have a favorable view of Kamala Harris. -And I bet Joe Biden must be rolling over in his -- What's that? He's fine? Oh, good for him. -According to a recent study, lesbians live shorter lives than straight women. -Because unlike straight women, at some point we all have an orgasm so good we just die. -Now, do straight women really live longer? -I mean, if you can call being straight living. -A new museum in Charleston specializes in Black genealogy. -It's called the Thomas Jefferson Museum. -Amber! -Thomas Jefferson is Black people's "Where's Waldo?" If you look at your family tree close enough, he's in there. -Hey, Seth, I have an idea. -I really don't think I should. -Come on, just one. -I feel like they already are really on edge and I don't want to do one. -You should do it. -I don't -- They're very on edge. -I think they're gonna like it. -If you guys promise I'll be okay. -They will love it. -It's gonna go great. -Okay, great. Thank you, guys. I trust you very much. -Yeah. -This year, the US men's Olympic swim team had its first Black coach. There were no survivors. -How dare you? -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed of yourself. -You wrote it and you e-mailed it to me and you told me to say it! -I don't know what you're talking about. -Black women and lesbians are liars. ♪♪ We'll be right back with Demi Moore.

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